重要和不重要的事

正准备开始为明天的期中考复习时，看到了李开复的这两段话：

“1. 不要成为“紧急”的奴隶。事分轻重缓急，这里面的“重”和“急”是不一样的。“准备明天的考试”是“急事”，而“培养自己的积极性”是“重要事”。人的惯性是先做最紧急的事，但往往因为这么做而致使重要的事被荒废。大部分紧急的事情其实是并不重要的，而许多重要的事情并不紧急。因此，不要把全部的时间都去做那些看起来“紧急”的事情，一定要留一些时间做那些真正“重要”的事情，比如打好知识基础，学习做人等等。每天管理时间的一种方法是早上立定今天要做的紧急事和重要事，睡前回顾这一天有没有做到两者的平衡。
2. 分清楚“必须做”的事和“不必须做”的事，做到“足够好就好”的事和“足够好仍不够好”的事。有那么多的“紧急事”和“重要事”，想把每件都做到最好是不实际的。“足够好仍不够好”的事要做到最好，但是“足够好就好”的事尽力而为就可。建议你用良好的态度和胸怀接受那些你不能改变的事情，多关注那些你能够改变的事情。虽然我提倡“追随我心”，但是在追随你的兴趣的同时，一定要把必须做的事做好。这是一种基本的责任心。”

首先，我相信没有人认为就因为他成功了他所有说的都是对的。。只不过他的话让我想到我花在复习考试的无数没有必要的时间。。我本可以用这些时间来读有意义的东西，却不知道为了什么我拿它来复习，好像非得考个A+不可。考试这种东西，过得去就行（“足够好”）。虽然我的标准是“A”，但是我很清楚很多时候我不花那么多时间复习也会得A，却仍然花了这些时间。读书，探索知识才是真正的“重要事”。当然，这不过是在学校里。我觉得如果是进入了社会，开始工作后，你的工作就是“必须做的事”。比如明天要交一个项目，而如果你花这时间来读柏拉图，那是不负责任的做法。不过对于我来说，我还是不复习了，读书去了（是的，两者不同）。

Twilight...the Movie

I used to tell myself a book series that can become SO popular among teenage girls is definitely not an nutritious one. And I believe I was right. The thing is, I eventually gave in to my temptation and watched the first movie...even better...immediately after the first movie, I watched the second one New Moon. Not that I think it's a good series. In fact, nothing--acting, plot, dialogue--is even near well-done. But, I guess it was the wish to witness this kind of, literally, "I-can't-live-without-you love" that led me to open up the link for New Moon after finishing Twilight amidst a sea of criticisms, from myself.

书单。

刚刚收到了四本近日在红螺中文书店(www.bookseed.com)订购的中文书。。。是时候温习一下中日文学经典了：

1）《放学后》东野圭吾 $6.60
2）《围城&人兽鬼》钱钟书 $9.74
3）《斜阳》太宰治 $7.85
4）《呐喊》鲁迅 $2.78

Shipping: $3.99

Total: $30.96！！

以前总觉得在美国买中文书太贵了，那价格简直就是把中文标签上的￥换成$，还有运费也好贵。但是要回中国搬运的话，有非常重，搬不了几本。红螺中文书店大部分书都相对的便宜，而且运费是统一3.99！好开心！

恶习。

不看美国总统的演讲不知其实美国也有像类似中国那样的恶心。比如现在正在进行的奥巴马的State of Union Address——奥巴马每讲十个字就有十秒钟的掌声。我到底是听奥巴马的演讲还是给他的掌声？不能歇着点吗？我已经记得不大清楚了，不过去年奥巴马的另一个演讲更夸张，每讲十字全体人（除了老弱病残）就会起立鼓掌十秒钟。真是烦死我了。我相信鼓掌的本意是为了表示自己1）对演讲者的赞同2）对演讲者的钦佩。如果鼓掌，甚至起立鼓掌只不过是一个机械性的运动，那鼓掌与不鼓掌还有什么分别？真是莫名其妙。但是不需要看太久就可以看出来这些有规律的起立鼓掌不是因为这些议员饿赞同或发自内心的敬佩，而仅仅是因为某种无聊的传统。这让我想到十二国记里阳子说的一段我非常非常喜欢的话：

“人，当真正感谢和尊敬对方时会自然而然地低下头，那种用地位来强迫别人低头以维持自己尊严的事是错误的......以适度的礼仪对待他人，那是理所当然的事，是否这样做，取决于个人的品质，这并非什么严重的事！”

Hmm...the "Type" of Songs I Like...

People like to ask this type of questions. But it has always been difficult for me to answer. Just like how I said before (perhaps in Chinese), I don't like to criticize an entire group, but I have no problem with criticizing one individual person after I get to know him or her. I don't like songs by genres or artists or albums or whatever, I like songs. Why would you do that anyway? Sometimes I would find a song that I really like, and then start searching for similar ones, but usually I end up still only liking the first one I found. So anyway, I could like any type of songs. I'm open to all genres. But if you must solicit a general answer from me, I guess I like songs with a distinctive melody and an actual rhythm to it...for example, I wouldn't even consider "screamo" as a type of song. They are just screams...not even rhythmic screams. I don't like those slow, usually melancholy songs either--the ones that are so slow that you can't really figure out what the main melody is.

So yeah, that's my answer.

P.S. Wow, this would make a perfect video if I were vlogging for Travis' antsonaVlog thingy. XD

[转载]大学的无用之用

大学的无用之用
日期：2005-07-22 16:16:37 作者：吴澧 来源：东方早报
http://www.univs.cn/newweb/news/news/culture/2005-07-22/91092.html

　　当今对大学的批评，不但在中国，在美国也一样，主要有两派：一派认为大学过分注重实用技能，教出的学生缺乏人文修养；还有一派则批评大学脱离实际，所颁发的学位证书，唯一能证明的，只是持有人在无数学生磨过屁股的凳子上又白白磨了四年。这后一派批评者主要来自工商界，微软的比尔。盖茨也是带头人之一。企业的心理都一样，恨不得招进来的大学生，一分钱培训费都不用花，马上就能顶班上岗。
　　敝人一贯认为大学要教外语、文史哲、基础科学和“绅士风度”等“无用”的知识，有用的技能都是可以工作后再学的。恩格斯曾经说过：“社会一旦有技术上的需要，这种需要就会比十所大学更能把科学推向前进。”这是对社会而言，但对个人也一样，一旦你的“衣食父母”有技能上的要求，这种要求就会比十所大学更能推动你的学习。
　　1950年代还没有“软件工程 ”这一名称更没有这一专业时，刚刚开始生产通用计算机的IBM急需大量程序员，只要你肯干，他们就培训。不少学语言、艺术、历史等科目的毕业生，为了吃饭，也进了IBM写程序。多年以后，公司发现，他们的总体表现并不比数学和工科毕业生差，因为在某些设计上———比如，如何让使用者易于理解机器的指令，这些文科生有优势。直到今天，IBM每年仍然会招收一些文科生从事技术工作。这些文科生就是在工作中学了有用的知识，又在大学里读了自己喜欢的科目。
　　其实，真正决定你踏上社会后能走多远的关键因素是性格，而性格恰恰是无用的东西陶冶出来的。一个反证是，我们大概都有体会，读不读大学，对收入和生活状况影响很大。很多工作，没有大学学位，根本不让申请。但大学里成绩好不好，似乎与毕业后的成就关系不大。说明起关键作用的并不是大学里学到的那些所谓的有用知识。
　　医生算是非常专业化的、没有学位证书绝对不得入其门的行业，但美国现在很多医学院开设一门叫作“叙述医学 ”（narrativemadicine）的课。比如哥伦比亚大学医学院规定，学生在第二年必须修习这门课一学期，其内容就是通过研读小说，让学生了解如何从病人的主诉里获取所需信息。病人对医生的最大意见之一，就是医生常常用权威的口吻呛得他们不敢畅所欲言。分析文学作品的修辞手段，这一似乎非常无用的知识，却可以改善学生的风度，帮助他们成为更好的医生。虽然，笔者有点自己的怀疑。常用教材是毛姆的《人性枷锁》，这部小说里的学医男主角，被女人骗了一次又一次，长辈留下的遗产都被骗光，差点毕不了业。男学生读了这本书，将来会不会给女病人乱开病假单？
　　庄子曰：“人皆知有用之用，而莫知无用之用也。”有用技能的用途早已被规定；而无用的知识，正因为其无用，才能有无法预测的大用。

The Fifty-Cents Party

Before going into the actual subject, please allow me to reminisce a bit.

I moved to New York from China shortly after my birthday in 2003. The time I spent in New York was not a pleasant one. I was the only Chinese person in the entire sixth grade, and the few friends/people-I-know were upperclassmen so we didn't get to know each other that well anyway. I didn't really speak English so I didn't really make any non-Chinese friends. In addition to that, there were bullying (which I bet every new Chinese and even non-Hispanic/White student went through) and cockroaches in the kitchen. I was very lonely. The only thing I have was internet and the few friends that I made over the internet not long before. I was losing contact with my elementary school friends primarily because we all moved on. There was nothing to talk about between us anymore.

I remember during that time my mom used to hide the laptop...I don't remember for what reason...but I found the laptop and everyday after school, I would take it out and go on the internet, and then just before mom came home, I would put it back exactly the way it was, as if nothing had happened. Although I stopped playing online games during that period, I had nothing to do but surfing on the net (I don't really have real homework, and I barely study for anything; once, I even brought home a test because I didn't know what it was) I felt like if my life were deprived of internet at that time, I would have had absolutely nothing to do. My pastime was centered around 163's online community; I had no where to go or socialize in the real world.

So one day, I asked 一龙, one of my friends I made over the internet, something like what does he do when he's not on the internet. He said: "I hang out with friends." I was shocked. I could not imagine what it was like to have friends to "hang out with." In fact, before I came to America, I only went shopping (for my farewell gift) with my friends only once. I never hang out. Now I think about it, I never had real friends. I was shocked. I was shocked at how lonely and pathetic I was.

And then everything changed as I moved to Fort Lee. I began making friends. Real friends with whom I talked about things and go to places with (although usually just the library and its surroundings). My English was improving so I actually began studying and working for classes. I stopped going on QQ (Chinese equivalent of AIM) as often and then gradually I stopped paying attention to Chinese affairs. I don't remember what I devoted most of my time to during that time (7th and 8th grade)probably because it was nothing important. But I think I missed a lot. I missed the emergence of Hanhan, the coinage of new terms like the Fifty-cents Party, and so many other things that people are so familiar today but I only recently got to know what they are. Things I should have known long time ago but did not know until now. I was out of touch with both Chinese popular culture and the American.

I don't know exactly what brought me back to the Chinese internet community...probably douban.com, a website for book, movie, drama, and music reviews. I read other people's reviews from which I get learn about things. And then, the first time in quite a while, I logged on to QQ again, and began chatting with the same old friends again (the internet ones). I am still not completely satisfied. I still feel something is missing. But I don't know what it is. Relatively speaking, my life right now is good. At least I handn't gotten the feeling of constant loneliness in quite a while. I'm glad.


Now, the Fifty-cents Party. This is a nickname for a group of people who are hired by the government as "internet commenters." Basically, they go on various news websites and popular forums and comment in support of the government or the government's policy. For each comment they get fifty cents Yuan, hence the name. This is supposed to be an "underground" organization that the commoners should not know, but everyone knows (interestingly a local government once publicized a news that they just hired 600 internet commenters as if trying to brag about their feat to the higher administration; that news was immediately spread to major news websites but its links were shortly made invalid. Haha.) I just learned about this recently from Hanhan's blog although I should have known that long time ago.

Anyway, I finally understood why the tone of some "netizen"'s comments on particular issues are so inconsistent with the usual tone and position. For example, regarding the Google's threat to withdraw from China, the opinions I saw when the news just got out were rage--the netizens' comments I saw on various forums were generally more mocking and sarcastic of the government and more sympathetic toward Google. The majority of them seem to prefer Google to Baidu (the Chinese search engine); in fact, some of them seem to detest Baidu. Just a day or two ago, the official Chinese statement came out, condemning the US for hinting that its internet isn't open and such. And the comments of this news in 163.com were mostly things along the lines of: "Get the hell out of China, Google! We don't want you here! I always use Baidu." And pages after pages of comments were filled by words like these. After a while, I read so many that I really don't know which are the true supporters of China's policy and which are just the hired internet commenters' talking.

A popular Chinese blogger wrote that hiring internet commenters (in the name of directing public opinion in the right way) is a bad strategy because government isn't able to see what the real public opinion is anymore. It's fine to monitor public opinion, but it's harmful to the stability of the government if the government is ignorant of what the people really think. I can't agree with him more because I am already feeling this frustration. What percent of the public is truly in support of Chinese government and what percent wants China to negotiate with Google so that Google stays? I don't know. I don't think anyone knows.

Give Me Education or Give Me Death!

This is something that I wrote half an hour ago for the newspaper...it doesn't have EVERYTHING I think about education...but yeah..it's a piece of writing whatever..

----------------------
Give Me Education or Give Me Death!
By Xinyi Lin

Recalling from personal experience, it seems that everyone has something to complain about the American education system: “students nowadays are only concerned with pop culture,” “we need to have better teachers,” and “the education system is too test-oriented.” More than once have I heard people comment that the American high school graduates are underperforming in colleges and the students from our public schooling system are far behind in academics than those from other nations, namely China, Korea, and Japan. I am not here to refute or affirm any of these specific assertions. For simplicity’s sake, let’s just skip the cause(s) and jump to the conclusion that our education system is not perfect.

The presence of a problem obviously calls for a solution. Although the problem with our education (that I purposefully skipped) is numerous and diverse, there seems to exist a tendency in the reactions of the leaders of the nation: from Bush’s No Child Left Behind policy to Obama’s Race to the Top, these education “reforms” all place an heavy emphasis on measuring student performance in standardized tests. Recently, Randi Weingarten, the president of the American Federation of Teachers, says that she will urge her members to adopt a form of teacher evaluation partly based on students’ achievement on standardized tests. HOLD ON! Are we looking for a magical cure for a problem far too complex? Has the “administration” run out of imaginative ideas so that the only thing it can think of is to demote students to numbers? To demote education to statistics?

Well, if education is not statistics then what is it? I believe that education is an unending process toward achieving enlightenment. It is not merely the procurement of knowledge (let alone getting an A on math tests) although knowledge is probably necessary to most human beings engaged in this process. In those rare occasions during schooldays when I remotely feel I am being educated, my entire world seems to open up, revealing a vast, unexplored terrain of thoughts to which I so eagerly embrace. This type of feeling usually doesn’t surface at all during testing days. In fact, I believe that when one considers the essence of education, the term “testing” should be the last to come to mind.

I am not supporting the eradication of “testing” in schools; actually, I am pretty good at unimaginative things like that and without it I would have never been inducted into the National Honors Society considering that I am a fairly unimaginative, poorly educated person. Instead, my solution to the education problem is a cliché that I mentioned in the beginning of this article: we need better good teachers. Good teachers are like catalysts in chemical reactions, shortening our path to enlightenment instead of lowering activation energy. I expect a good teacher to inspire, not instruct. I expect him to teach from his heart, not from his books. A good teacher goes beyond the curriculum and teaches his students what it takes to be a thinking human being, not a test-taking machine. But I also understand the difficulty on the part of the teachers because we live in a society that makes a fetish of protocols, guidelines, and other “objective measures” such as standardized testing scores. So yes, we need better teachers, but I don’t blame the teachers because they are chained to the current rigid, bureaucratic schooling system as much as we are.

Now, please allow me to express my most sincere optimism regarding education in my typically unoriginal way:

God bless America.

Tumblr is a really confusing place.

For some reason tumblr has become very popular recently...the available designs ARE really chic and modern but more often than not they are very very confusing.

And it's more like a teenager's diary than a BLOG blog (I don't know what I mean by blog either...it could be just a diary...but I prefer reading introspective things than reading personal ramblings...but again...if it's a PERSONAL blog...i guess personal ramblings are fine...like what I'm doing right now...)

Anyway...I don't like tumblr.

I'm such a retard.

Even though Chris refused to admit, he did asked me to prom. And about an hour ago, I said I will go if he does not go back to being an asshole before prom. And suddenly it dawned me: the kind of words Chris used to say to me and how Hanah was even pissed at him. How I swore that I would never talk to him again because he was such a shitty friend and etc. and etc. And how I kept making the same mistake and I would never make it again.

I made it again. It's not that I'm mad at him at this moment. I am not. I think recently he has been behaving quite normally (relative to his standard). At this moment I really wouldn't mind going to prom with him because we're the kind of friends that know each other very well (Chris will argue that I don't KNOW him but I DO) but we also know that we are definitely not for each other (regarding this aspect we hate each other). I almost forgot about how upset he made me feel in the not so distant past. I don't know why I forget about things like this so quickly. I can be arguing like crazy with daddy today and be the best friends tomorrow morning.

I made the same mistake again. And I can't take it back.

哎。又是小事。

今天又因为了个小事跟DADDY大动干戈。。。一开始不明白怎么突然间变得特冲，后来发现原来是想“教育”我来着。。。我只想送给他五个字：

育人先育己。

批评：个人 vs 群体

在豆瓣上看见了叫做逗逗豆豆的人对于坂上之云的评论后产生的一个讨论。。。我觉得也是对我关于8090还有群体vs个人等的想法的一个很好的summary。

---------------------------

逗逗豆豆，

“在娱乐化的节目影响下，我总觉得，青少年会变得不会思考，懒于思考，不能严肃，爱好粗浅。以娱乐为导向的电视和网络宣传，型塑建构一种思维方式和生 活习惯，就是追求刺激与快感，对深入思考与人类的终极问题不以为然，道德底线沦为比基尼，羞耻这个词最终会被清除出人类语言。 ”
　　
　　不管是小孩，青少年，成年人，还是老年人--人都喜欢以高高在上的方式批评不是属于自己那一类的人。成年人喜欢说青少年怎样怎样。。老年人喜欢说成年人怎样怎样。。。思想上的成熟性是不分年龄的。你就像那些钟情于将人分为70后，80后，90后等的人一样愚蠢和肤浅。

----
@葱头鹰

您说的现象是存在的，
　　确实很多人喜欢批评不是属于自己那一类的人。但是否高高在上，不能一概而论。因为每一类人都有自己的立场和思维方式么，批评不同意见不同行为 者很正常很普遍。从批评别人中，我们获得的不仅仅是口舌的快感，还能强化在一个群体的身份认同感和归属感，强化作为一个个体的生存体验。而且，如果你站在 道德的制高点上对别人指手划脚，确实能获得高高在上的优越感。
　　至于我，你引用的话中，我无意于批评别的群体，只是陈述一种看法--青少年是民族的未来，在铺天盖地的娱乐化节目包围下，非常不利于他们的成长。
　　将人分为70后，80后，90后等说法和做法我也是很不舒服，以前我是很抵制这种说法的，因为我就是80年代生人，80年代的人千奇百怪，所以有人把我归在80后一类，让我很不舒服。但是日久，也就不想辩白了。
　　愚蠢和肤浅的确是我的缺点，但是我勤于思考，希望能有所改观。

---

逗逗豆豆，

谢谢你非常诚恳的回复。我还真是没想过从批评它人中一个人得到的不仅是自我满足感还有“身份认同感和归属感”。。。

我并不是反对批评。我也并不否定娱乐化节目在青少年身上的影响。也许是我的意见有些偏激，但第一，我觉得批评个人是合情合理的，批评一个“群体”则是件很不公平的事情，第二，将所谓的恶性”成长“完全归咎于外来因素也是不公平的。

你也是同意”人千奇百怪“的，所以如果就因为个别--甚至很多属于某”群体“的人--做一件事而就将那一整群的人（青少年，比如）给骂了，是完全不符合逻辑的事。所以我对于将人划分成70后80后等感到非常的不舒服。比如，你怎么就能确定“娱乐化节目”没有带给任何“青少年”一点好的影响？其次，你怎么就能确定青少年就是唯一的受害群？难道青年，成年，老年人里就没有因为娱乐化文化而变得低俗的吗？逗逗豆豆你又是怎样免俗的？因为你比“青少年”们年长吗？我想你也不会否认这世上有在思想上非常成熟的小孩，也有在思想上非常像小孩的成人。

所以，我的第二点的意思就是，我认为一个人是否低俗没思想是完全取决于个人的。如果你对低俗的“娱乐化节目”感到津津有味，每分每秒都想看，每分每秒都不想做其它的事情，这完全是你个人的原因。没有人逼你。就算你看某低俗节目的原因是整个学校都在看某低俗节目，而如果你不看你会跟他人没话说，那还是你的问题。青少年不是婴儿，他们是有自主意识的。我认为是否看低俗节目，是否被那节目所影响是完全在一个人掌控之中的。总而言之，最重要的一点就是，一个人低俗没关系，但是说自己低俗是因为别人或者什么铺天盖地的低俗节目影响了你是很不负责任的。再来，只要勇于承认缺陷并加以改正。。。甚至不改正都没关系。。。我觉得只要是敢于面对自己的缺点，敢于说“这是我自身的问题”，不将问题推给他人的人都是值得欣赏的，但我没看见过几个会诚心说这些话的人。

昨晚发生的事情让我不得不反省自己是多么的“落后”。我并不是说我渴望着一个放荡的生活（她的生活也并不放荡），我只是希望我不要再这么多失败下去罢了。当他人的世界早已步入成人时期时，我的世界还像个孩童般，天真的乐园。说命中注定的那人该来的时候就会来的是自己骗自己的谎话。我只不过是不想接受丟人的现实罢了。什么活在当下，carpe diem--我都明白，但我就是做不到。我什么也做不到。

another quote.

这是韩寒对于郭敬明被判抄袭后粉丝的强烈不服的评论。。。

"有一天我做错事，当我自己觉得错时，那些依然继续盲目支持我并一本正经满口胡言的粉丝，将是我的羞愧。" - 韩寒

Conforming to Jack's World

Here is a quote that I noticed because of Jack but stole from Hanah.

“Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, "hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "no --I want magenta!"” -John Mayer

If 韩寒 is the 64-color box then I would like to fancy myself as the 32-color one. Does it exist? And I will be adding new colors as time goes by and one day, hopefully, my box will match his 64 colors.

Enigma.

这是在豆瓣发的关于ENIGMA的随笔
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我不得不承认，我自己对音乐的理解估计是非常肤浅的。我将这问题归咎于我对诗词的无知。除非你清楚的写你究竟是什么意思（像讲故事一样），我是绝对不会读/听出个所依然的（比如我就从来不知道飞儿乐队的歌的歌词究竟是什么意思）。所以我个人对音乐的欣赏和标准就是：只要哪首歌或者曲子的旋律/整体感觉能不但让我的耳朵舒服还能让我浮想联翩，哪首就是好样的。

第一次接触ENIGMA是在我爸的车里。在开远路时，他喜欢一遍又一遍地放着ENIGMA的音乐。在夜晚的山区里，这样的场景显得异常美丽：躺在黑暗的后车座上注视着窗外不断一闪而过的高耸大树，耳边则是一刻不停地被环ENIGMA空灵的音乐环绕着。

ENIGMA的音乐能把我带到另一个空间去。或是另一个世界。我喜欢把灯关了，门锁上，一人独自在夜晚躺在床上，放着ENIGMA的音乐。然后渐渐的，我可能会突然发现自己正站在黄昏下一片看不见边的金黄色大草原，独自享受着不知从哪吹来的温暖微风。我又有可能会游戏于深蓝的海底，安静地占有那个世界。

直到在第一次听到ENIGMA之后很久才看过他们的MV，结果惊讶地发现原制作者们的想法原来是和我完全不同的。比如GRAVITY OF LOVE的MV---有点颓废，有点阴暗，甚至有点变态--不过ENIGMA的音乐世界跟我的相同的一点是：它们都像一场神奇的梦。

College Essay

I should have posted it earlier but I kept forgetting until I read this amazing book today. So, anyway, here it is.
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Blogging and Writing

By Xinyi Lin

Although I can’t say for sure whether such a thing exists, I am not a “born writer.” I’ve always struggled with writing, even in my native language Chinese. For some reason, the clever metaphors and perfect adjectives just don’t flow onto the paper naturally. As a student and a writer, I have always been encouraged by the teachers to keep a “writer’s journal,” but it wasn’t until my junior year when I began to seriously consider having—well—a digital journal.

So I started blogging.

In fact, I’ve had several blogs in the past, though none remained active for more than a month. I was clueless. After a while, there was just nothing to blog about anymore. One day, (and this could sound ridiculous) I had an epiphany. While writing an entry for my blog, I noticed I was editing, deleting, and fretting over the contents that could present me negatively. Although I started blogging because I wanted to record my memories and beliefs, I ended up ironically censoring my ideas because I did not want my writing, and me, to be perceived as immature or naïve. All this time, I had tried to use my words to convince people that I was “perfect.”

At the end of eleventh grade I was assigned an essay on the topic of writing. I had to discuss what I learned or thought about writing in general at that point of life. My mind wandered to the names of Hemingway, Tim O’Brien, Raymond Carver, and all those writers who have simple and yet profound styles of writing. I realized that there is no need for me to be someone I’m not—a linguistic virtuoso full of poetic expressions and ornate vocabulary. But I do have to be myself, not a persona. I have to be sincere and honest—with myself and my words.

With this exhilarating realization, I started anew with blogging. I filled my blog with candid thoughts without filtering out ideas here and there. Some posts are whiny; some are childish. But it’s okay. I think they represent different phases of my journey to adulthood, and one thing about adulthood that I must learn is how to confront and deal directly with my intrinsic weaknesses and flaws. At times I should even appreciate these imperfections, because they are exactly what make each of us interesting and unique.

That’s what my blog is about: a direct confrontation with my inner self, and an open conversation with my own mind. I hope, by writing down my thoughts in words, I can develop a more comprehensive view of the world, formulate a more cohesive set of beliefs, and, most importantly, acquire a better understanding of my true self.

So in my junior year, I opened a blog of words, composing a chronicle of my mind. And in that same year, I learned to write with honesty and plainness, for that is who I am.

第二次启蒙

发在豆瓣上关于韩寒的《通稿2003》的随笔
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去年，我的世界历史老师给我们的第一堂课便是关于John Taylor Gatto的散文 “Against School” 以及Mortimer J. Adler的 “Invitation to the Pain of Learning.” 我们用了至少两个星期的时间讨论public schooling和education的区别，以及如今的教育是如何的 “frothy and vapid”。当时我写的关于这个问题的文章是支持schooling的，但是我已经不记得我写得究竟是什么了。我只知道在上了一年这位老师的课之后，我的想法已经大大的改变了。我是会继续上学的，因为我期望我能在大学里遇见更多像我历史老师这样的人。但是我也认为学习与上学是不能轻易划上等号的。

在《通稿2003》的序言里韩寒写道：

“中国人首先就没有彻底明白，学习和上学，教育和教材完全是两个概念。学习未必要在学校里学，而在学校里往往不是学习。”

在序言里便读到这一番话时我即刻明白了--我遇见知音了。

今天下午，我用本应该复习生物和数学的时间读完了韩寒的《通稿2003》。这不是一本文字优美的书。它不会让你感到心旷神怡。韩寒在这本书里写作的方式与他在博客上的基本没什么两样。但是他语言犀利，时不时地还会使我轰然大笑，并且字字说到当今这些其实庸俗不堪却装作“诲人不倦”的“教育者”的痛处。有人说到韩寒叛逆乖张什么的，但是读完书后我最佩服的就是他显然是个非常理智的人。他的想法完全没有我想象中的不偏激，他也不会因为什么小事就一棍子把一船人打翻。相反，不像某些就算不读对方作品也能滔滔不绝批评那作品的人，韩寒的批评都是有根有据。总的来说，韩寒写的真实。我在我报考大学的Personal Statement里这样写到：

At the end of eleventh grade I was assigned an essay on the topic of writing. I had to discuss what I learned or thought about writing in general at that point of life. My mind wandered to the names of Hemingway, Tim O’Brien, Raymond Carver, and all those writers who have simple and yet profound styles of writing. I realized that there is no need for me to be someone I’m not—a linguistic virtuoso full of poetic expressions and ornate vocabulary. But I do have to be myself, not a persona. I have to be sincere and honest—with myself and my words.

在韩寒的文字里到处都能找到honesty和plainness（也许后者少一点，因为只有像我这样无才之人才会把“没有文采”美化成“write with plainness”；韩寒却是个非常有才的人）。

但其实，我并不完全赞成韩寒的想法。其实我也没有权利说赞同还是不赞同。只在中国上到小学六年级的我除了对国内初中与高中的残酷略有所闻之外，我是一无所知。我相信韩寒也只到，他批评的只是一个普遍现象。例外总是存在的。如果所有的老师与学校都是一成不变的话那就太可怕了。比如，在湖南台的8090节目里（我也是通过搜索关于嘉宾陈胜的资料时知道韩寒的，总觉得相识太晚），田卉群教授就说到她如何在高中是遇见了一位好老师，让她知道了她虚有的自大和真实的渺小。这在一次让我认识到了老师的重要性。我不知道韩寒是否曾经遇见过一个像我历史老师，像田卉群教授，或是像田卉群教授的老师一般的老师。我估计是没有，要不他/她一定会在《通稿2003》里提到的。但是只要一个好老师，便能完全颠覆一个人的人生观。如果当初我没有上过那堂关于schooling and education的课，我也许会完全同意韩寒，但是如今的我对在校园里教育还是存有些许希望的。

还有一点就是，因为我是在美国念的书，虽然可以理解，但是无法感同身受韩寒所说的“重要与不重要。”要是韩寒是在美国念书，像他这样的运动健将，文字高手，设计达人，加上悟性高，外行还过得去的人会是非常令人崇拜的。在这里，只要你学业过得去（有点谦虚了但是确实是不能跟中国的紧张程度比），你只要有一两项特别特别出众的特长的话，无数的好大学都会争着要你，而你则会是被众人嫉妒的对象。至少我很嫉妒韩寒的全能。

如果我一直都是在中国受着儒家文化的熏陶的话，我可能会觉得韩寒有点飞扬跋扈，因为他在书中多次公然的肯定自己。但是现在的我真的很羡慕这些有自信—也有本钱去自信的人。韩寒清楚地知道自己是优秀的。自我肯定是理所当然。受不了他这一点而拐弯抹脚地去找茬的人自身绝对是有问题的。

8090的田教授

我自己也没有想到会喜欢上看像芒果台的8090这样的情感类节目。我以前总觉得这类节目说教氛为很重，但是看了一两期曹颖主持的《真情》之后，变得万分佩服她的口才。当两方剧烈争吵时，她能说出对两方都相当理解的话。。。却又不会冒犯任何一方。我真喜欢我也有这样的口才，这样讨人喜欢的性格。所以我就继续看了她的新节目8090，发现这节目虽然偶尔也会让我感到反感。。。但大多时候我认为那什么8899观察团，甚至妈妈观察团的人说的话都是很客观的。最近一期关于陈胜，一个年轻有为前途无量的17岁作家。陈胜对国内教育制度非常反感，初中高中时就不断出现问题，然后他就决定不上大学，独自开始自己的生活。我一开始也没有什么想法。这是个很复杂的问题。个性不是错，就像DICKINSON的那首诗一样，Much madness is divinest sense。我们不能因为某人个性突出就将他拒绝于社会之外。然后听了北京师范大学的田卉群教授的一番话之后，真是恍然大悟。希望有一天我也能成为像她一样聪明才智，言语犀利的女性。

“反叛是青春最美丽的姿态，但是你要用你的后半生去买单。你有可能买得起，你有可能买不起。而母亲就是那个希望你买的起的人。我希望你学学贾宝玉，贾宝玉真是把个世界看透了，对不对？落了一片白茫茫，大地真干净。但他最后的选择是什么呢？他看透所有这一切，看不起科举制度，看不起这些仕途的一切，但是他考试，还结婚，还生子。就是我把我对于父母对于社会该做的一切事我都做了，而且我做得不比任何一个人差。但是我有兰桂齐芳，我金榜题名，我飘然而去。因为我知道这一切不是因为我得不到而放弃它，也不是说我顽固的追求这一切。我是有能力得到，我有能力看透，最后我放弃它。但是你不能对一个你没有得到的东西去反叛。不是因为你说的没道理，而是因为你没有进入它，没有了解他，引起你做的判断对于我没有说服力。你不能像那个电影，去做无因的反叛，你要做明白透彻有因的反叛。这就是我的建议。”
-- 田卉群教授

Saw some hurtful words that I do not wish to remember again but feel compelled to write something about it....

By chance I read one of my previous posts about "a letter to mom"...at first I couldn't recall why I was writing one to my mom...because she's usually a much more reasonable person to my dad...my complaints are almost always about my dad. And as I read that "letter" (of course never sent to my mom), I remembered that it was because during a fight that day, she called me so many things including a psycho...and my dad was like "you should really consult a psychiatric doctor" when he's the most psychotic, unreasonable person I've ever met. I still remember how much those words hurt especially because that was not the first time they say it. And it's not uncommon that when someone repeats something so many times you begin to accept whatever they say as the truth. I don't exactly feel this way now but I remember there was a period during which I truly felt really bad about myself and was convinced that I'm a psycho who is constantly suspecting the worse of everyone around me. Now I had learn to be stronger and be less influenced by what OTHERS think of me. I know who I am and what my values are--I may be flawed, just like everyone else, but I am not mentally ill. But I still hold on firmly to the belief that my dad is extremely immature and knows nothing about how to treat his family members with reason and respect. I don't expect kindness. I just don't want random insults and scolding at every little thing I do. He demands too much of others and too little of himself. No one is perfect and he should know that--so when we complain about something reasonable (this is kind of related to the last post I wrote) he should openly assess the validity of our complaints and change as necessary...but he never does. How can I look up to him as a role model? Neither of my dads are role models. And I think I've said this before. They are models though--who-not-to-marry models.

Stupid Mistakes.

I think most people (myself included) think way too highly of themselves. And what I mean by highly is that they think they are someone who are more capable than they really are. This is evident in the overwhelming number of students planning to follow the pre-med path and become a doctor--students ranging from people who can't even manage pre-calc in their senior year to ones who are so talented or whatever that they really should be in grad school right now as a high school student (like the Siemens Science Competition Grand Prize winner a couple of years ago, she's just amazing.)

Ok, allow me to digress. Doctor is an very important job. A tiny mistake could take away someone's life. This is about one's life and death, and I think only the most talented person--not necessarily a super genius but someone who is the most fitting for this job: (for surgeons esp.) have deft hands and fingers, fast-thinking, capable of working under extreme pressure (of course, for those who just want to be a dermatologist or whatever most stress-free profession these do not apply =.=), and brain capable of storing A LOT of information and continue to process and integrate new information as technology and science advances. Looking from all of above, doctor is obviously not a job that anyone can just do. And I'm sure most people agree with that too--but they themselves are always the exceptions. Not anyone can be a docotr, but they can.

And besides, what's this obsession with doctor anyway? Medicine is not the only way to save people's lives. And I believe at this point international relations, domestic concerns, climatic concerns are more urgent things that are definitely taking away and harming people's lives faster than anything. But of course, "most" people won't consider to become a civic worker or whatever scientist because it's hard to have a specific goal when you don't even know what options are available...a diplomat? a office worker who works at certain government agency? a consultant? well...these are just not as easy to think about as one general title--doctor--and they don't sound as cool either...of course...the money is the least that people are concern with but still...these "miscellaneous" jobs do not earn as much money and do not have as much reputation as being doctor.

(And since this is a blog of my honest conversation with myself, I have to admit that all my bitching above could just be my perverted competitive instincts--that just because I had given up on the pre-med track, realizing that this might be too arduous for me, I don't want to see anyone that think they have the capability to go through it. Ugh..this really sounds disgusting...I'm such a horrible person...but oh well, I believe at least 50% of my bitching is genuine concerns and not motivated by selfish private interest.)

Ok...let's go back to the main road...(no, not referring to the road to learning here.) So why is this post titled stupid mistakes? Just like I said in the beginning, I think most people...especially those who are even slightly competitive (those who see that they are faring better than the "average" American students)...think that they are someone better, more capable than who they really are. Record every time you get a math or science test back--there are almost always constant moanings along the lines of "OMG, I made SO many STUPID mistakes!! I could have gotten an XX!" I never did it--but every time I hear this type of talking, I get a strong urge to tell them "No, you DID NOT make a STUPID mistake. You made a MISTAKE. And it's not the mistake that's stupid. YOU are STUPID." So basically, when these over-confident people (but usually this won't be conspicuous at all...it's a very subtle mental message) are actually forced to face their own failure--the proof that they are not as great as they think they are, they make up these kinds of retarded excuses like "I made so many stupid mistakes" and to lesson the fault of own stupidity and make themselves feel better. Seriously? Is that necessary? Just admit that you made a mistake--not a stupid mistake, smart mistake or whatever, just a MISTAKE because you're stupid--and study harder and try to take off this stupid label the next time. But of course, we're such coddled children that we can't face our own failures (like my brother, so pathetic, he just stops playing at all when he sees that he's losing) and admit it with straightforward honesty.

To sum this up...my advice for the kinds of people that I addressed in this post..those who would never read this post...is: Get real, and grow up.

给一龙的新年祝福

写给一龙的新年祝福。。。是一些我很久很久以来都想说的话。
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一龙~！就把这个当作新年贺卡里的东西吧。。。我一般写的都是平时说不出来的话，还有平时说不出的感谢之类的：

真的很庆幸认识你！最初是上初中的时候。。。当时被牛肉抓到WAAU的群时觉得自己实在太小，怕你们不会理我，不把我当回事。不过立刻就发现你们是一群非常热情，有意思的人。你更是一直以来不厌其烦地听小你九岁的我唠叨生活中的琐碎事，疏导我。我为你做的远远没有你对我的帮助多。我也一直为此苦恼。我希望我也能想一个正常朋友一样帮助你解忧，但是我明白你就好像是领先甚多的马拉松运动员一样，你踏过的路我只踏过一部分，我踏过的你却都踏过了。我无法理解你在现在进行时的生活，因为我对这生活毫不了解。我们的共同点只有动漫日剧加上我们都踏过的这段路，所以一直以来我都是在讲我自己的事。。。在寻求对自己的帮助。我觉得友情本质上是个互利互惠的联系，所以我的担心是我没有任何的付出。一直都是你帮助我，我却是一无是处。这个互利互惠的理论估计是错误的吧；我不知道像这样一边倒的联系是怎么维持近六年的。无论如何，我很高兴我们是朋友，希望永远如此！XD

新年快乐！！！！

鹰