Today is a big day for the seniors of '09. It's stressful enough for me just to watch them being stressed. And the stress comes from the not knowing. I don't know where I'm going next year, next next year, next next next year. I don't know what I'd be doing next year, next next year, next next next year. I don't even know what I should be doing.
"The number of college applications reached a new peak"
This type of headline seem to appear every year. And next year it'd only go higher. I really try to be myself even with such intense competition. I try to do what I like and not do what I don't like. I try to tell myself I live for myself not for college--or the fleeting four years of my life. I don't know, however, if being myself is good enough to get me into a college--I have no dream college, only preferred ones. And something tells me that even if I had tried to be like Amber in House, I would have not been capable of doing so. I'm not a genius or a talented anything. I'm not good at anything. In fact, I suck at a lot of things. I'm a failure if I try to be someone better than who I am. I guess it only makes sense that I'd be hopeless if I try to be myself.
It scares me sometimes how Bahar and I VERY often think alike. And she is the exact opposite of what I want to be. Not that I don't want to be good at writing and stuff, I don't want to live for college. I don't want to do things only for the sake of getting into college. I don't want to spy on people and be nosy about other people's achievements just because I want to have a database of all this info for me to analyze. I don't want to go crazy about my academics though that seems to be the only thing that I'm good at, sadly.
I'm barely doing any homework recently and I don't know what the hell I'm doing in school.
The stress comes from the not knowing.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Originally, life has no purpose--
I found this quote in a drama review. It's half a quote actually, and I don't know what the second half is. Surprisingly enough, Arod talked about Max Weber and his pessimism today, which seemed to resonate with this quote, or half a quote, a lot. As far as I understand, Max Weber realized that, after attaining the ultimate truth, our lives have no purpose, meaning, or future. People who think they are happy are merely deluding themselves, and we, as individuals, are entirely dispensable in this "bureaucracy."
Frankly speaking, I couldn't agree with Weber more and yet I couldn't care less. I don't think there's any special meaning to human lives either. Who says human beings have to be more special than...let's say a peck of dust or a cockroach? (btw I think that's one of religion's function too, to soothe ppl and delude those ppl, who can't handle the fact that their existence is of no importance, into thinking that they are more important than they really are). I'm fine with this notion, and so what? We're as insignificant as a peck of dust, and we're the same product of randomness as a peck of dust. Who cares.
Even if I can never attain enlightenment (which could be nonexistent), I can still enjoy my life. Why do we have to live for a higher, more grandiose purpose? I'm satisfied with the satisfaction I get from eating good food, traveling around and taking pictures, looking pretty, watching musicals and plays, play softball....whatever. My mom, on the other hand, enjoy cooking and watching stupid chinese dramas. If doing these stuffs make us happy, does it matter if the happiness is only delusional? What's the point of knowing that happiness is delusional and there's absolutely nothing that can make us happy?
I think philosophy is delusional.
Frankly speaking, I couldn't agree with Weber more and yet I couldn't care less. I don't think there's any special meaning to human lives either. Who says human beings have to be more special than...let's say a peck of dust or a cockroach? (btw I think that's one of religion's function too, to soothe ppl and delude those ppl, who can't handle the fact that their existence is of no importance, into thinking that they are more important than they really are). I'm fine with this notion, and so what? We're as insignificant as a peck of dust, and we're the same product of randomness as a peck of dust. Who cares.
Even if I can never attain enlightenment (which could be nonexistent), I can still enjoy my life. Why do we have to live for a higher, more grandiose purpose? I'm satisfied with the satisfaction I get from eating good food, traveling around and taking pictures, looking pretty, watching musicals and plays, play softball....whatever. My mom, on the other hand, enjoy cooking and watching stupid chinese dramas. If doing these stuffs make us happy, does it matter if the happiness is only delusional? What's the point of knowing that happiness is delusional and there's absolutely nothing that can make us happy?
I think philosophy is delusional.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Blog en español.
Para preparer por el examen de AP y practicar español en general, hoy decidió empezar blog en español de vez en cuando. Estoy escuchando a un programa en español de China por aproximadamente diez minutos por día. Ahora no entiendo nada, pero sé que yo mejoraré.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Religion.
Sometimes I wonder what would I believe in if I were born into a religious family. Actually, my Buddhist grandparents were pretty religious. Not like crazy ritualistic, but they believe in those stuff, and pray to the Shengming, the gods, when needed--for their grandchildren's academics, their kids' health, wealth, etc. Buddhism has become some kind of custom in China, less of a religion but more of something that everyone more or less believes in. And then comes my parents, who do not reject Buddhist ideas but obviously much less religious than my grandparents. They see christians, especially those who preach around and spread the words of god, as insane. And that's mostly how I feel too.
Religion wasn't really part of my life until I came to America, when 95% of people around me are either christian catholic muslim or whatever (also for the first time I realize there are so many lefties and people with allergies in the world). Obviously I did not become religious or anything. Nowadays I try to rationalize my atheism with logic. Religion just sound so illogical to me. In fact, the word religion contradicts itself. How can there be multiple religions/gods if it's actually true? How can there be both the supreme and only GOD and numerous kamis in Japan...gods in animal forms in Aztec....Is Buddha a creation of the GOD too? Or are they friends in the place beyond? How can people convert, if they previously believe that their gods actually exist? Why do the god(s) have so many local characteristics? Buddha looks Indian, Jesus looks white, Hindu gods look...well, Indian too.
The only reasonable answer for me is that religion is something people made up. For what reason I can't say, but I firmly believe that religion is a product of human imagination. Some people claimed to NOT belong to any particular religion but believe in god as a supreme being that's behind what we have and are right now. My Muslim buddy Basma did not reject the Big Bang theory or other scientific things but she said that something/somebody must be behind all this...something/somebody must have caused our creation. I respect her point of view but WHY does something/somebody must cause our creation? Why can't our creation just be the result of a series of random events? Why can't people accept that human beings are not special, are not that different from other animals, plants, rocks, stars, which are also products of random events?
Anyways, recently I begin to wonder if there is indeed no god or anything like that, then what did Muhammad actually see in the cave? How did the prophets talk to god? If there is indeed no god, then the only reasonable conclusion is that they were hallucinating. They are sick. It is a scary thought that these great people are actually mentally ill, so are the others who claim to see/feel/hear god.
So being religious is actually the ultimate doublethink. One must accept the fact that there are people who believe in the existence of other gods or no gods at all and yet believe that his or her god exist at the same time.
That's an incredible skill that I do not have.
Religion wasn't really part of my life until I came to America, when 95% of people around me are either christian catholic muslim or whatever (also for the first time I realize there are so many lefties and people with allergies in the world). Obviously I did not become religious or anything. Nowadays I try to rationalize my atheism with logic. Religion just sound so illogical to me. In fact, the word religion contradicts itself. How can there be multiple religions/gods if it's actually true? How can there be both the supreme and only GOD and numerous kamis in Japan...gods in animal forms in Aztec....Is Buddha a creation of the GOD too? Or are they friends in the place beyond? How can people convert, if they previously believe that their gods actually exist? Why do the god(s) have so many local characteristics? Buddha looks Indian, Jesus looks white, Hindu gods look...well, Indian too.
The only reasonable answer for me is that religion is something people made up. For what reason I can't say, but I firmly believe that religion is a product of human imagination. Some people claimed to NOT belong to any particular religion but believe in god as a supreme being that's behind what we have and are right now. My Muslim buddy Basma did not reject the Big Bang theory or other scientific things but she said that something/somebody must be behind all this...something/somebody must have caused our creation. I respect her point of view but WHY does something/somebody must cause our creation? Why can't our creation just be the result of a series of random events? Why can't people accept that human beings are not special, are not that different from other animals, plants, rocks, stars, which are also products of random events?
Anyways, recently I begin to wonder if there is indeed no god or anything like that, then what did Muhammad actually see in the cave? How did the prophets talk to god? If there is indeed no god, then the only reasonable conclusion is that they were hallucinating. They are sick. It is a scary thought that these great people are actually mentally ill, so are the others who claim to see/feel/hear god.
So being religious is actually the ultimate doublethink. One must accept the fact that there are people who believe in the existence of other gods or no gods at all and yet believe that his or her god exist at the same time.
That's an incredible skill that I do not have.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Several Things.
1) Mom's pneumonia and collapsed lung both relapsed. She can't have a surgery that could possibly cure her immediately because that requires general amnesia--that is a problem because she is carrying a baby inside.
That's just great.
Dad's been cooking. Of course, not as good as Mom's cooking but well. I think a man truly matures when his wife is sick. I'm quite surprised that Dad actually visits Mom EVERYDAY and comes back home around eleven or twelve. Grandpa began cooking and doing house chores regularly only after Grandma got sick too. Hmm. Yeah.
2) First day of Spring? Hmmm.
3) Godspell.
Wow. Mesmerizing. Godspell is definitely the best one out of the four school musicals I've seen. In the beginning I took pictures and everything. But later on, I stopped picture taking completely because I just couldn't take my eyes off the stage anymore. It's just sooo good.
I'm going there again tomorrow. Yes.
That's just great.
Dad's been cooking. Of course, not as good as Mom's cooking but well. I think a man truly matures when his wife is sick. I'm quite surprised that Dad actually visits Mom EVERYDAY and comes back home around eleven or twelve. Grandpa began cooking and doing house chores regularly only after Grandma got sick too. Hmm. Yeah.
2) First day of Spring? Hmmm.
3) Godspell.
Wow. Mesmerizing. Godspell is definitely the best one out of the four school musicals I've seen. In the beginning I took pictures and everything. But later on, I stopped picture taking completely because I just couldn't take my eyes off the stage anymore. It's just sooo good.
I'm going there again tomorrow. Yes.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
post-SAT.
so yesterday i was brain-fried.
It was REALLY, REALLY, hard.
Buh at least it's over now.
I'm gonna stop thinking about it...
until 4/7 :)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
New Horror Story Outline.
I only have a very vague idea for the topic right now:
blood oozing out of the sinks as student do their chem labs. The chem teacher told the students that this is just the chemicals changing color due to their mixing of the chemicals...buh one smarty/ chem freak tells his/her best friend later that the teacher is lying becuz he/she knows that these chemicals don't produce such realistic blood red color. So these two set out for a investigation, and this leads to a huge discovery of what had happened to their high school in the past.
blood oozing out of the sinks as student do their chem labs. The chem teacher told the students that this is just the chemicals changing color due to their mixing of the chemicals...buh one smarty/ chem freak tells his/her best friend later that the teacher is lying becuz he/she knows that these chemicals don't produce such realistic blood red color. So these two set out for a investigation, and this leads to a huge discovery of what had happened to their high school in the past.
Lost in the World
"What do you want to be in the future?"
I used to say, doctor. But now I just don't know anymore.
Part of me wants a challenging life like that of a doctor, always striving higher and higher, saving lives, conducting clinical trials...The other part of me wants a peaceful and quiet life in the middle of nowhere..or even better...next to the ocean. Or like that in Ninomiya's 温柔时间 (in a rural area surrounded by forests, very peaceful and quiet and simple). Part of me wants to earn a lot of money and have a luxurious life and support my parents and brothers at the same time. Part of me wants a quiet life in which I make just enough money to give myself a decent life, and no one bothers me.
I want to go to Africa, and other third word countries, as a doctor specialized in infectious diseases and help the people there however I can.
I want to open a small bookstore in a small town, where I just sit and read everyday and maybe trip around once in a while and that's my life.
I want to be an interior designer. Designing people's living rooms and my own.
I want to be a normal office worker somewhere for a good cause. Chilling everyday and spend the rest of my life unchallenged.
I don't know. It's too early to say.
I used to say, doctor. But now I just don't know anymore.
Part of me wants a challenging life like that of a doctor, always striving higher and higher, saving lives, conducting clinical trials...The other part of me wants a peaceful and quiet life in the middle of nowhere..or even better...next to the ocean. Or like that in Ninomiya's 温柔时间 (in a rural area surrounded by forests, very peaceful and quiet and simple). Part of me wants to earn a lot of money and have a luxurious life and support my parents and brothers at the same time. Part of me wants a quiet life in which I make just enough money to give myself a decent life, and no one bothers me.
I want to go to Africa, and other third word countries, as a doctor specialized in infectious diseases and help the people there however I can.
I want to open a small bookstore in a small town, where I just sit and read everyday and maybe trip around once in a while and that's my life.
I want to be an interior designer. Designing people's living rooms and my own.
I want to be a normal office worker somewhere for a good cause. Chilling everyday and spend the rest of my life unchallenged.
I don't know. It's too early to say.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
So what's the highlight of my day?
JAIMS.
I'd like to type this words right now because I am furious. I tend to forgive people for their stupidity when my fury subsides. I would be typing some nice words about Jaims if I'm not this angry right now, but all I can think of, at this moment, is his inconsideration and...how can I put this nicely...OH, in chinese: 短路的脑神经...
So, what does it mean by "stop making stupid assumptions, i at least tried to learn something more and went to extra help and then I got the manuals, is there something wrong with that? Is there? Just becuz I had no one to share i shouldnt have taken one?"
THAT'S EXACTLY THE FUCKIN' CASE. YOU SHOULD HAVE NOT TAKEN ONE. OR YOU SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST GIVEN IT TO WEI OR ME FRIDAY OR TODAY SOMEHOW. The manual was NOT a reward to your hardwork...despite it often ends in failure...It's something for a group of people to share. OF COURSE YOU HAVE NOT TAKEN ONE IF YOU DID NOT MEAN TO SHARE. Dr. McFarquhar gave this out under the assumption that people would share among themselves. AND YOU FUCKING JUST ADMITTED THAT YOU TOOK IT KNOWING THAT YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SHARE. And you accuse me of being selfish? Only thinking about myself? LOOK AT YOURSELF.
And again, GET OVER YOUR PITIFUL SELF Jaims. This world does not revolve around you and other people are not obligated to sympathize with your pathetic situations--because the situations are not pathetic! Everybody has problems--with life, universe, and everything. Please stop constantly think that you are the most pathetic victim of the chaotic world that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US lives in. Again, unless your parents just died today, get over your friggin' self.
I seriously don't know what's wrong with your brain and your way of thinking buh I DO KNOW they are WAY off. Please don't condenscend people by saying "stop making assumptions when you know nothing of me"--we know too much of you. Maybe you think you're friggin' mature buh you're not, you still have LOTS of GROWING UP to do.
Sleep well. I know I well.
I'd like to type this words right now because I am furious. I tend to forgive people for their stupidity when my fury subsides. I would be typing some nice words about Jaims if I'm not this angry right now, but all I can think of, at this moment, is his inconsideration and...how can I put this nicely...OH, in chinese: 短路的脑神经...
So, what does it mean by "stop making stupid assumptions, i at least tried to learn something more and went to extra help and then I got the manuals, is there something wrong with that? Is there? Just becuz I had no one to share i shouldnt have taken one?"
THAT'S EXACTLY THE FUCKIN' CASE. YOU SHOULD HAVE NOT TAKEN ONE. OR YOU SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST GIVEN IT TO WEI OR ME FRIDAY OR TODAY SOMEHOW. The manual was NOT a reward to your hardwork...despite it often ends in failure...It's something for a group of people to share. OF COURSE YOU HAVE NOT TAKEN ONE IF YOU DID NOT MEAN TO SHARE. Dr. McFarquhar gave this out under the assumption that people would share among themselves. AND YOU FUCKING JUST ADMITTED THAT YOU TOOK IT KNOWING THAT YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SHARE. And you accuse me of being selfish? Only thinking about myself? LOOK AT YOURSELF.
And again, GET OVER YOUR PITIFUL SELF Jaims. This world does not revolve around you and other people are not obligated to sympathize with your pathetic situations--because the situations are not pathetic! Everybody has problems--with life, universe, and everything. Please stop constantly think that you are the most pathetic victim of the chaotic world that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US lives in. Again, unless your parents just died today, get over your friggin' self.
I seriously don't know what's wrong with your brain and your way of thinking buh I DO KNOW they are WAY off. Please don't condenscend people by saying "stop making assumptions when you know nothing of me"--we know too much of you. Maybe you think you're friggin' mature buh you're not, you still have LOTS of GROWING UP to do.
Sleep well. I know I well.
WAHAHAHAHAH. The Voice of Earth.
Alan's debut album (09-3-4) that I immediately downloaded. I wish music stores here sell it.
Truly the Voice of Earth. XD
luv it luv it luv it.
Tracklist:
01 天女 ～interlude～
02 明日への讃歌
03 空唄
04 懐かしい未来 ～longing future～
05 ひとつ
06 風の手紙
07 BRAVE
08 夢のガーデン
09 群青の谷
10 my friend
11 Liberty
12 月がわたし
13 RED CLIFF ～心・戦～
14 恵みの雨
15 Together
16 RED CLIFF ～心・戦～ (Modern Rock Version)
Thursday, March 5, 2009
No time to write anything complicated/controversial.
Mom's home. The hospital seems to have run out of beds so she got kicked out. Still coughing but since the hospital chose her to kick out then that means her illness isn't that serious.
Well, that's a good thing in a way.
She talked about how her "neighbor" had to induce a premature baby (23 week-old) who is definitely going to be blind, deaf, etc. and going to have serious health problems in the future if the baby lives. The husband was strong when his wife was present, when the doctor was explaining to them these consequences and the options they have. But when his wife left to take a shower to prepare the induction, mom said the man cried in a corner.
Well, that's a good thing in a way.
She talked about how her "neighbor" had to induce a premature baby (23 week-old) who is definitely going to be blind, deaf, etc. and going to have serious health problems in the future if the baby lives. The husband was strong when his wife was present, when the doctor was explaining to them these consequences and the options they have. But when his wife left to take a shower to prepare the induction, mom said the man cried in a corner.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Habituation.
I think I'm habituated to he whole transcript scandal already. I've been shocked. I've been angry. I've left so many comments. Apparently this whole thing is getting ridiculously bigger and bigger, all hail to the media. The very suspension of the principal gave the media a whole new perspective on this issue. I'm so sick and tired of this. And I need to do homework.
Please get me out of high school ASAP.
Please get me out of high school ASAP.
So I've heard.
So I've heard mom now has pneumonia in addition to the collapsed lung diagnosed previously. WTF? She's not coming home for at least another week.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Ok, I am compelled to post something about this.
I don't know if I'm taking this too far. But I think not.
I'm shocked. Once upon a time I thought only Chinese people would do such brazen things. Mom and Dad always talk about how America is so just and fair. Apparently they are deadly wrong. People are the same despite their ethnic and nationality. There are going to be morally-corrupted people in China, and morally-corrupted people in the U.S. This is probably the biggest lesson of the day for me, personally.
The transcript-altering is just simply wrong, period. Whoever did that and participated in this should be fired. It's embarrassing. It's disheartening. Like many others, now I'm ashamed to say I go to FLHS. But I find Bandlow not doing his job properly either. Bandlow was the MAJOR contributor to this scandal; almost all of the quotes are from him. He could have not done this without the intention to publicize this completely. Perhaps he did the right thing as a person, with his actions coherent with the high ideals of a free America, but as a leader, isn't he supposed to protect the people whom he "rules"? What he should have done is to consult the school first and minimize the negative influence, because what he is hurting is not just the school's and some personal reputation but the reputations of all 2000 students.
This'll be the the day that pride died.
I'm shocked. Once upon a time I thought only Chinese people would do such brazen things. Mom and Dad always talk about how America is so just and fair. Apparently they are deadly wrong. People are the same despite their ethnic and nationality. There are going to be morally-corrupted people in China, and morally-corrupted people in the U.S. This is probably the biggest lesson of the day for me, personally.
The transcript-altering is just simply wrong, period. Whoever did that and participated in this should be fired. It's embarrassing. It's disheartening. Like many others, now I'm ashamed to say I go to FLHS. But I find Bandlow not doing his job properly either. Bandlow was the MAJOR contributor to this scandal; almost all of the quotes are from him. He could have not done this without the intention to publicize this completely. Perhaps he did the right thing as a person, with his actions coherent with the high ideals of a free America, but as a leader, isn't he supposed to protect the people whom he "rules"? What he should have done is to consult the school first and minimize the negative influence, because what he is hurting is not just the school's and some personal reputation but the reputations of all 2000 students.
This'll be the the day that pride died.
UPDATED. BOOTS. A Generic Horror Story.
Inspired by Jessica Tu. Worked with Amy Zhao.
This is meant to be a 剧本大纲, an outline for a screenplay.
Title: Boots
Characters:
(Names are only temporary to make it less confusing)
Anna: A popular girl in school
Melanie: A new girl in school with a very distinct/sophisticated style of dressing
Edward: a popular guy in school whom Anna secretly admires
Jane's Mom: Jane's Mom
Story Line:
INTRODUCTION:
(ClACK, CLACK. Camera focuses on two boots walking rhythmically down the street. In the background, at the same time with the clacking noise, students are gossiping and talking about this cool new girl in the school.)
So, Melanie is this new girl in school. As Melanie becomes more and more popular, her likable personality and dressing style are somehow challenging the authority of Anna, the Queen Bee. One day, Melanie wears these gorgeous boots to the school, and as it makes the clacking sound down the hallway, Melanie receives numerous praises about her gorgeous boots. The eyes of the guys who surround Anna follow Melanie as she walks past them. Anna stares at Melanie--'s boots enviously with hatred, but as a Queen Bee she must retain her dignity. So Anna imagines different ways to approach Melanie, intending to "make friends" with Melanie. She plans out different scenarios, anticipates different responses (at the same time assuming Melanie's personality), and finally chooses one that she deems most appropriate--and approaches Melanie. However, when Anna begins to converse with Melanie, the seemingly nice and cute new girl suddenly turns into a bitch, and is very hostile to Anna--and Anna only. At this moment Anna realizes that Melanie is coming for HER. Melanie is plotting to take over the Queen Bee title by assuming a different personality. As Melanie bitches at Anna and "clacks" away triumphantly, Anna becomes even more stunned when Edward, her crush and the most handsome guy in the school, comments "Hey what a nice pair of boots" and starts flirting with Melanie.
Anna could not get her mind off those gorgeous boots and the clacking noise and Edward's comment. With other provocations, one night Anna sneaks into Melanie's house with a chain saw.
Melanie is asleep in her bed, and Anna slowly walks up to the second floor. Even though Melanie does not have the boots on her legs, Anna hallucinates and sees a pair of boots there. Anna saws off Melanie's legs and hold them close to her chest ("my precioussss~~~"), still thinking that those are the gorgeous boots. When Melanie suddenly wakes up from the intolerable pain, Anna kills her too.
However, Melanie's real boots are worn by her mother tonight for certain event. As Melanie's mother comes home, she sees her door is wide open and there are obvious signs of an intruder. So Melanie's mother rushes upstairs to check on Melanie without taking off her boots, while making the clacking noise along the way. As Anna enjoys the moment she has with these "gorgeous boots," she hears the clacking noise and is shocked. How can it be? The boots are here in my hands. Anna looks at the "boots" again and she begin to see what they really are--two bloody, poorly-saw legs with blood still oozing out and flesh dangling. Anna throws the legs to the other side of the room and shrieks.
Melanie's mother comes to the door and is absolutely shocked. Anna sees the gorgeous boots on the mother's legs and returned to the psychotic state and killed the mother with the chain saw also. Melanie stays at Anna's house all night and still does not forget her Queen Bee status and her loot--the boots. So the next day Anna, with her hair all messed up and clothes all bloody, wears the similarly bloody boots to the school. She walks down the hallway in her Queen Bee manner, and she mistakes people's shocking stares for stares of admiration of her beauty.
ENDING: Anna walks down the hallway (right in the middle) towards Edward, who is on the other side, while making the clacking sound.
This is meant to be a 剧本大纲, an outline for a screenplay.
Title: Boots
Characters:
(Names are only temporary to make it less confusing)
Anna: A popular girl in school
Melanie: A new girl in school with a very distinct/sophisticated style of dressing
Edward: a popular guy in school whom Anna secretly admires
Jane's Mom: Jane's Mom
Story Line:
INTRODUCTION:
(ClACK, CLACK. Camera focuses on two boots walking rhythmically down the street. In the background, at the same time with the clacking noise, students are gossiping and talking about this cool new girl in the school.)
So, Melanie is this new girl in school. As Melanie becomes more and more popular, her likable personality and dressing style are somehow challenging the authority of Anna, the Queen Bee. One day, Melanie wears these gorgeous boots to the school, and as it makes the clacking sound down the hallway, Melanie receives numerous praises about her gorgeous boots. The eyes of the guys who surround Anna follow Melanie as she walks past them. Anna stares at Melanie--'s boots enviously with hatred, but as a Queen Bee she must retain her dignity. So Anna imagines different ways to approach Melanie, intending to "make friends" with Melanie. She plans out different scenarios, anticipates different responses (at the same time assuming Melanie's personality), and finally chooses one that she deems most appropriate--and approaches Melanie. However, when Anna begins to converse with Melanie, the seemingly nice and cute new girl suddenly turns into a bitch, and is very hostile to Anna--and Anna only. At this moment Anna realizes that Melanie is coming for HER. Melanie is plotting to take over the Queen Bee title by assuming a different personality. As Melanie bitches at Anna and "clacks" away triumphantly, Anna becomes even more stunned when Edward, her crush and the most handsome guy in the school, comments "Hey what a nice pair of boots" and starts flirting with Melanie.
Anna could not get her mind off those gorgeous boots and the clacking noise and Edward's comment. With other provocations, one night Anna sneaks into Melanie's house with a chain saw.
Melanie is asleep in her bed, and Anna slowly walks up to the second floor. Even though Melanie does not have the boots on her legs, Anna hallucinates and sees a pair of boots there. Anna saws off Melanie's legs and hold them close to her chest ("my precioussss~~~"), still thinking that those are the gorgeous boots. When Melanie suddenly wakes up from the intolerable pain, Anna kills her too.
However, Melanie's real boots are worn by her mother tonight for certain event. As Melanie's mother comes home, she sees her door is wide open and there are obvious signs of an intruder. So Melanie's mother rushes upstairs to check on Melanie without taking off her boots, while making the clacking noise along the way. As Anna enjoys the moment she has with these "gorgeous boots," she hears the clacking noise and is shocked. How can it be? The boots are here in my hands. Anna looks at the "boots" again and she begin to see what they really are--two bloody, poorly-saw legs with blood still oozing out and flesh dangling. Anna throws the legs to the other side of the room and shrieks.
Melanie's mother comes to the door and is absolutely shocked. Anna sees the gorgeous boots on the mother's legs and returned to the psychotic state and killed the mother with the chain saw also. Melanie stays at Anna's house all night and still does not forget her Queen Bee status and her loot--the boots. So the next day Anna, with her hair all messed up and clothes all bloody, wears the similarly bloody boots to the school. She walks down the hallway in her Queen Bee manner, and she mistakes people's shocking stares for stares of admiration of her beauty.
ENDING: Anna walks down the hallway (right in the middle) towards Edward, who is on the other side, while making the clacking sound.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Before other things overwhelm my brain.
老妈早日康复。I hope Dad's presence make you less lonely in the hospital.
mom in hospital.
She has been coughing. And she said it's pneumothorax, or collapsed lung. She just got a surgery of some kind and got a tube down her down, probably to drain the air out of it. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO HER LUNGS. Oh mann, and practice my EMT skills. What a loss. People don't get to hear the sound of a collapsed lung that often. But anyways, I think she'll get better. Hopefully.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
no school tomorrow. and other thoughts.
The whole Fort Lee is cheering.
Well, the whole Fort Lee High School is cheering.
We, the students, have regained our faith in the minds of the "ruling class," for it has for once made a sane decision for the better of its students.
So, although this extra day may ruin many teachers schedule, it sure cheers the hearts of a whole lot of students. In other words, its benefits to the students outweighed its damages done to the teachers. So who cares about them. Majority rules. We're in America.
Now move on to some family talking.
A Letter to Mommy
Dear mom,
Once upon a time, I tried to impress you with what I do, I tried to make you happy. I may have done these things while I was in a good mood, and acted obnoxiously when I was in a bad one. But isn't that what everyone does? Anyways, once upon a time, I tried to make you smile, I tried to connect with you. Now I find this impossible. Your face is always so stern, so unhappy. You say that's all my fault. My immaturity, my laziness, my bad temper...all of these are gigantic barricade to the smile you have underneath. Every time you're about to smile, you remember all these things and it just fades away.
I didn't respond at the time. but I'm saying here.
Excuse me. Don't blame everything on me when the cause of your lack of smile is just a reflection of your stoic and unpleasant personality. I think the root of the problem is you don't understand what satisfaction means. You and dad, both don't understand what it means to be happy about little things, about small steps that I make. Your daughter is not going turn into a perfect person in one night. So please be more tolerant, since we ARE on the same page. You want me to be a more lovable person and I do too.
Indeed, I AM lazy, immature, bad tempered. and believe it or not, I'm trying everything I can to improve it. and I've improved all this time in case you missed it. So I didn't know that you have to keep certain washed dishes in certain places. but I kept them where they should be today. and most likely you are going to yell at me about how these plates should be put in certain order, completely ignoring the fact that I listened to your words and did it. And most likely you're going to yell at me, about how I'm always so slow at things, that every single little steps that I do must be told, how my minds are not swift, how I don't know what I'm doing at everything. I'm never going to get a praise from you. Every thing I do is imperfect, and more likely, seriously flawed. And it is very likely so, I don't deny. But I think I deserve more than your constant scolding, deflation, and discouragements.
Immature? I don't know how many teenagers you've had...or seen. If I have a daughter like myself I'd be deadly satisfied. I'd be praying to...Buddha...thanking him for giving me such a wonderful daughter who doesn't do drugs, doesn't smoke, doesn't have babies, doesn't dressed up all gothic and scary, doesn't stay out so late that I might not even come home. I may be immature but I am seventeen. I'm not stupid, I work hard, I have morals--morals that I think are better than yours. I may be rebellious, but weren't you rebellious when you're seventeen? If you say no, then I seriously feel bad for you. So let's go back and define being rebellious. What is being rebellious? Talk back? Going against what you say? Argue with you? Not listening to you?
I don't be rebellious just for the sake of being rebellious. I'm sorry I can't be as "docile" (that's what you think) as my brother because I actually have minds and thought that go beyond how to master the computer games I play. I have my set of definitions right or wrong. I'm developing my morals, and my attitude for the world. And there are often conflicts, especially with dad. And you know what, through all these ridiculous conflicts, I think on certain things, you, especially dad, are more immature than I am. You for being politically ignorant and willingly wish to stay ignorant and dad for over-stubbornness, thinking too highly of himself, never admitting mistakes, quibbling (a word that he often uses on me) with stupid logic (more precisely, illogic)......I don't think you should take these "fights" as my being rebellious. You say I'm stupidly stubborn. I don't think so. I'm a very open-minded person. More open-minded than you are. I do listen to dad's and your opinions in case you haven't noticed--only if they make sense to me. And I've often told daddy, who always think that I'm arguing with him just for the sake of being rebellious, that "you know why I'm arguing with you? because what you say is a bunch of nonsense...you should learn from mommy, who actually know how to put her thought in words." Dad, you may think this is offense, and it is. But this is the truth. You may be really good at math, but your logical reasoning skill is one of the worst I've ever seen, together with your stubbornness some "debates" can be just horrifyingly--painful. You think you make sense, but you don't. And more often than not you turn it around and blame me for being stupid, not understanding your words. I can't recall how many times you've said something absolutely legitimate to criticize me and then two seconds later you did the exact same thing you criticized me for, and you'd always have a reason to back you up, however ridiculous it is. You're never wrong. You don't make mistakes. It's always me who makes the mistakes, even if we did the same thing. You're a saint. and that makes perfect sense.
So back to mom. Yes at times I'm overly suspicious. I think a lot...about what other actions would result. I'm heavily opinionated. and sometimes what I think is wrong...I thought too much...but you know what? More often than not I'm the right one. I may be too suspicious of what you do or my brother does at times, but this does not give you the right to say:
"I think you have serious mental problems" and for dad to say, "I think consulting a psychologist would be a good choice for you."
I don't know if you still remember these words. But they hurt me. and I won't forget forever. I think these words are seriously inappropriate for any adult to say, not even considering that you're my parents, to anyone so explicitly. Ok, this maybe just a psycho trying to defend herself, but I'm not a psycho. I have flaws but not to the point of being psychologically deformed. I think it's seriously unconsiderate and immature of both of you to say this because it really hurts. and you know who I think really should consult a psychologist? Dad. I think he really need to fix his personality issues and temper. He has to face his flawed self who often make mistakes and no sense whatsoever. I think his ex-wife went crazy is not solely her fault. There's a reason that Hitler's two girlfriends went mad and killed themselves. It's not just his girlfriend being mentally vulnerable. There's a reason.
So anyways, I feel bad that our relationship is slowly deteriorating or whatnot. I'm sick of pleasing someone who'd never be pleased. If you want to keep a straight face and see the bad side of me then do so all you want, even if this means in your eyes my flaws and faults constantly overshadow the good me. That's fine. Have an unhappy life and mourn at how immature the girl you raised up is...oops...I forgot...you blame this on my biological dad side's family...how it's THEY who raised me up wrongly. How they turned the 50% of good genes I have from you into the same as the other 50% of bad genes I got from the other family. Your family is the best. There's no way that a failed daughter is a product of your hands. Now I understand this so much better through the way you talk to my unborn brother. how, THIS TIME, you want to make it right, to raise him up well and proper, to amend this imperfection, me, that you made?
Now I know there's no way to find my own worthiness through the eyes of my parents, I will find it myself. You and dad try to destroy my confidence? I'm just not going to listen to it. and I see this act as being strong. Again here you may argue that I'm being over suspicious, misinterpreting your actions, that you're NOT trying to destroy my confidence. Of course you're not. You just did it subconsciously. I told you I improve through compliments and praises and you don't listen. I don't know how I can find the motivation to strive for the better through words like "I think you're crazy, you're a psycho, you're clumsy, you're lazy, you're dirty, you're messy, you're not acting like a girl, you're slow, you're stupid, you're not as smart as i am, I wouldn't have so much better than you do..." Maybe you find satisfactions, but I don't. I find the more I hope from you, your smiles, the more I disappoint. And I'm not going to hurt myself again by pleasing you. Be stern all you want. I'd be happy though, happy and confident. I've never killed, robbed, raped anyone, I've never done drug, I've never even sneaked out the house to do anything. I'm smart, I'm trusted by people, I might not be the next Einstein or Yo-yo Ma or Barack Obama but I WILL find a decent job and live a happy live.
Well, the whole Fort Lee High School is cheering.
We, the students, have regained our faith in the minds of the "ruling class," for it has for once made a sane decision for the better of its students.
So, although this extra day may ruin many teachers schedule, it sure cheers the hearts of a whole lot of students. In other words, its benefits to the students outweighed its damages done to the teachers. So who cares about them. Majority rules. We're in America.
Now move on to some family talking.
A Letter to Mommy
Dear mom,
Once upon a time, I tried to impress you with what I do, I tried to make you happy. I may have done these things while I was in a good mood, and acted obnoxiously when I was in a bad one. But isn't that what everyone does? Anyways, once upon a time, I tried to make you smile, I tried to connect with you. Now I find this impossible. Your face is always so stern, so unhappy. You say that's all my fault. My immaturity, my laziness, my bad temper...all of these are gigantic barricade to the smile you have underneath. Every time you're about to smile, you remember all these things and it just fades away.
I didn't respond at the time. but I'm saying here.
Excuse me. Don't blame everything on me when the cause of your lack of smile is just a reflection of your stoic and unpleasant personality. I think the root of the problem is you don't understand what satisfaction means. You and dad, both don't understand what it means to be happy about little things, about small steps that I make. Your daughter is not going turn into a perfect person in one night. So please be more tolerant, since we ARE on the same page. You want me to be a more lovable person and I do too.
Indeed, I AM lazy, immature, bad tempered. and believe it or not, I'm trying everything I can to improve it. and I've improved all this time in case you missed it. So I didn't know that you have to keep certain washed dishes in certain places. but I kept them where they should be today. and most likely you are going to yell at me about how these plates should be put in certain order, completely ignoring the fact that I listened to your words and did it. And most likely you're going to yell at me, about how I'm always so slow at things, that every single little steps that I do must be told, how my minds are not swift, how I don't know what I'm doing at everything. I'm never going to get a praise from you. Every thing I do is imperfect, and more likely, seriously flawed. And it is very likely so, I don't deny. But I think I deserve more than your constant scolding, deflation, and discouragements.
Immature? I don't know how many teenagers you've had...or seen. If I have a daughter like myself I'd be deadly satisfied. I'd be praying to...Buddha...thanking him for giving me such a wonderful daughter who doesn't do drugs, doesn't smoke, doesn't have babies, doesn't dressed up all gothic and scary, doesn't stay out so late that I might not even come home. I may be immature but I am seventeen. I'm not stupid, I work hard, I have morals--morals that I think are better than yours. I may be rebellious, but weren't you rebellious when you're seventeen? If you say no, then I seriously feel bad for you. So let's go back and define being rebellious. What is being rebellious? Talk back? Going against what you say? Argue with you? Not listening to you?
I don't be rebellious just for the sake of being rebellious. I'm sorry I can't be as "docile" (that's what you think) as my brother because I actually have minds and thought that go beyond how to master the computer games I play. I have my set of definitions right or wrong. I'm developing my morals, and my attitude for the world. And there are often conflicts, especially with dad. And you know what, through all these ridiculous conflicts, I think on certain things, you, especially dad, are more immature than I am. You for being politically ignorant and willingly wish to stay ignorant and dad for over-stubbornness, thinking too highly of himself, never admitting mistakes, quibbling (a word that he often uses on me) with stupid logic (more precisely, illogic)......I don't think you should take these "fights" as my being rebellious. You say I'm stupidly stubborn. I don't think so. I'm a very open-minded person. More open-minded than you are. I do listen to dad's and your opinions in case you haven't noticed--only if they make sense to me. And I've often told daddy, who always think that I'm arguing with him just for the sake of being rebellious, that "you know why I'm arguing with you? because what you say is a bunch of nonsense...you should learn from mommy, who actually know how to put her thought in words." Dad, you may think this is offense, and it is. But this is the truth. You may be really good at math, but your logical reasoning skill is one of the worst I've ever seen, together with your stubbornness some "debates" can be just horrifyingly--painful. You think you make sense, but you don't. And more often than not you turn it around and blame me for being stupid, not understanding your words. I can't recall how many times you've said something absolutely legitimate to criticize me and then two seconds later you did the exact same thing you criticized me for, and you'd always have a reason to back you up, however ridiculous it is. You're never wrong. You don't make mistakes. It's always me who makes the mistakes, even if we did the same thing. You're a saint. and that makes perfect sense.
So back to mom. Yes at times I'm overly suspicious. I think a lot...about what other actions would result. I'm heavily opinionated. and sometimes what I think is wrong...I thought too much...but you know what? More often than not I'm the right one. I may be too suspicious of what you do or my brother does at times, but this does not give you the right to say:
"I think you have serious mental problems" and for dad to say, "I think consulting a psychologist would be a good choice for you."
I don't know if you still remember these words. But they hurt me. and I won't forget forever. I think these words are seriously inappropriate for any adult to say, not even considering that you're my parents, to anyone so explicitly. Ok, this maybe just a psycho trying to defend herself, but I'm not a psycho. I have flaws but not to the point of being psychologically deformed. I think it's seriously unconsiderate and immature of both of you to say this because it really hurts. and you know who I think really should consult a psychologist? Dad. I think he really need to fix his personality issues and temper. He has to face his flawed self who often make mistakes and no sense whatsoever. I think his ex-wife went crazy is not solely her fault. There's a reason that Hitler's two girlfriends went mad and killed themselves. It's not just his girlfriend being mentally vulnerable. There's a reason.
So anyways, I feel bad that our relationship is slowly deteriorating or whatnot. I'm sick of pleasing someone who'd never be pleased. If you want to keep a straight face and see the bad side of me then do so all you want, even if this means in your eyes my flaws and faults constantly overshadow the good me. That's fine. Have an unhappy life and mourn at how immature the girl you raised up is...oops...I forgot...you blame this on my biological dad side's family...how it's THEY who raised me up wrongly. How they turned the 50% of good genes I have from you into the same as the other 50% of bad genes I got from the other family. Your family is the best. There's no way that a failed daughter is a product of your hands. Now I understand this so much better through the way you talk to my unborn brother. how, THIS TIME, you want to make it right, to raise him up well and proper, to amend this imperfection, me, that you made?
Now I know there's no way to find my own worthiness through the eyes of my parents, I will find it myself. You and dad try to destroy my confidence? I'm just not going to listen to it. and I see this act as being strong. Again here you may argue that I'm being over suspicious, misinterpreting your actions, that you're NOT trying to destroy my confidence. Of course you're not. You just did it subconsciously. I told you I improve through compliments and praises and you don't listen. I don't know how I can find the motivation to strive for the better through words like "I think you're crazy, you're a psycho, you're clumsy, you're lazy, you're dirty, you're messy, you're not acting like a girl, you're slow, you're stupid, you're not as smart as i am, I wouldn't have so much better than you do..." Maybe you find satisfactions, but I don't. I find the more I hope from you, your smiles, the more I disappoint. And I'm not going to hurt myself again by pleasing you. Be stern all you want. I'd be happy though, happy and confident. I've never killed, robbed, raped anyone, I've never done drug, I've never even sneaked out the house to do anything. I'm smart, I'm trusted by people, I might not be the next Einstein or Yo-yo Ma or Barack Obama but I WILL find a decent job and live a happy live.
Sigh. What a loss.
Alan. A Tibetan who is now singing in Japan...
wow. every single song of hers is really good. and I just listened to 大江东去, for which she sings in chinese...what a voice....what a face...It's a pity that the Chinese music industry hadn't spotted her before the Japanese did. but...if one really thinks about it...she might not have had the same achievement if she were in china now. so in a way I'm glad she can sing all these good songs now, but I feel bad for the chinese music industry. it's just not as good as Japanese one in star building and general song making.
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