no school tomorrow. and other thoughts.

The whole Fort Lee is cheering.

Well, the whole Fort Lee High School is cheering.

We, the students, have regained our faith in the minds of the "ruling class," for it has for once made a sane decision for the better of its students.

So, although this extra day may ruin many teachers schedule, it sure cheers the hearts of a whole lot of students. In other words, its benefits to the students outweighed its damages done to the teachers. So who cares about them. Majority rules. We're in America.



Now move on to some family talking.

A Letter to Mommy

Dear mom,
Once upon a time, I tried to impress you with what I do, I tried to make you happy. I may have done these things while I was in a good mood, and acted obnoxiously when I was in a bad one. But isn't that what everyone does? Anyways, once upon a time, I tried to make you smile, I tried to connect with you. Now I find this impossible. Your face is always so stern, so unhappy. You say that's all my fault. My immaturity, my laziness, my bad temper...all of these are gigantic barricade to the smile you have underneath. Every time you're about to smile, you remember all these things and it just fades away.

I didn't respond at the time. but I'm saying here.

Excuse me. Don't blame everything on me when the cause of your lack of smile is just a reflection of your stoic and unpleasant personality. I think the root of the problem is you don't understand what satisfaction means. You and dad, both don't understand what it means to be happy about little things, about small steps that I make. Your daughter is not going turn into a perfect person in one night. So please be more tolerant, since we ARE on the same page. You want me to be a more lovable person and I do too.

Indeed, I AM lazy, immature, bad tempered. and believe it or not, I'm trying everything I can to improve it. and I've improved all this time in case you missed it. So I didn't know that you have to keep certain washed dishes in certain places. but I kept them where they should be today. and most likely you are going to yell at me about how these plates should be put in certain order, completely ignoring the fact that I listened to your words and did it. And most likely you're going to yell at me, about how I'm always so slow at things, that every single little steps that I do must be told, how my minds are not swift, how I don't know what I'm doing at everything. I'm never going to get a praise from you. Every thing I do is imperfect, and more likely, seriously flawed. And it is very likely so, I don't deny. But I think I deserve more than your constant scolding, deflation, and discouragements.

Immature? I don't know how many teenagers you've had...or seen. If I have a daughter like myself I'd be deadly satisfied. I'd be praying to...Buddha...thanking him for giving me such a wonderful daughter who doesn't do drugs, doesn't smoke, doesn't have babies, doesn't dressed up all gothic and scary, doesn't stay out so late that I might not even come home. I may be immature but I am seventeen. I'm not stupid, I work hard, I have morals--morals that I think are better than yours. I may be rebellious, but weren't you rebellious when you're seventeen? If you say no, then I seriously feel bad for you. So let's go back and define being rebellious. What is being rebellious? Talk back? Going against what you say? Argue with you? Not listening to you?

I don't be rebellious just for the sake of being rebellious. I'm sorry I can't be as "docile" (that's what you think) as my brother because I actually have minds and thought that go beyond how to master the computer games I play. I have my set of definitions right or wrong. I'm developing my morals, and my attitude for the world. And there are often conflicts, especially with dad. And you know what, through all these ridiculous conflicts, I think on certain things, you, especially dad, are more immature than I am. You for being politically ignorant and willingly wish to stay ignorant and dad for over-stubbornness, thinking too highly of himself, never admitting mistakes, quibbling (a word that he often uses on me) with stupid logic (more precisely, illogic)......I don't think you should take these "fights" as my being rebellious. You say I'm stupidly stubborn. I don't think so. I'm a very open-minded person. More open-minded than you are. I do listen to dad's and your opinions in case you haven't noticed--only if they make sense to me. And I've often told daddy, who always think that I'm arguing with him just for the sake of being rebellious, that "you know why I'm arguing with you? because what you say is a bunch of nonsense...you should learn from mommy, who actually know how to put her thought in words." Dad, you may think this is offense, and it is. But this is the truth. You may be really good at math, but your logical reasoning skill is one of the worst I've ever seen, together with your stubbornness some "debates" can be just horrifyingly--painful. You think you make sense, but you don't. And more often than not you turn it around and blame me for being stupid, not understanding your words. I can't recall how many times you've said something absolutely legitimate to criticize me and then two seconds later you did the exact same thing you criticized me for, and you'd always have a reason to back you up, however ridiculous it is. You're never wrong. You don't make mistakes. It's always me who makes the mistakes, even if we did the same thing. You're a saint. and that makes perfect sense.

So back to mom. Yes at times I'm overly suspicious. I think a lot...about what other actions would result. I'm heavily opinionated. and sometimes what I think is wrong...I thought too much...but you know what? More often than not I'm the right one. I may be too suspicious of what you do or my brother does at times, but this does not give you the right to say:
"I think you have serious mental problems" and for dad to say, "I think consulting a psychologist would be a good choice for you."

I don't know if you still remember these words. But they hurt me. and I won't forget forever. I think these words are seriously inappropriate for any adult to say, not even considering that you're my parents, to anyone so explicitly. Ok, this maybe just a psycho trying to defend herself, but I'm not a psycho. I have flaws but not to the point of being psychologically deformed. I think it's seriously unconsiderate and immature of both of you to say this because it really hurts. and you know who I think really should consult a psychologist? Dad. I think he really need to fix his personality issues and temper. He has to face his flawed self who often make mistakes and no sense whatsoever. I think his ex-wife went crazy is not solely her fault. There's a reason that Hitler's two girlfriends went mad and killed themselves. It's not just his girlfriend being mentally vulnerable. There's a reason.

So anyways, I feel bad that our relationship is slowly deteriorating or whatnot. I'm sick of pleasing someone who'd never be pleased. If you want to keep a straight face and see the bad side of me then do so all you want, even if this means in your eyes my flaws and faults constantly overshadow the good me. That's fine. Have an unhappy life and mourn at how immature the girl you raised up is...oops...I forgot...you blame this on my biological dad side's family...how it's THEY who raised me up wrongly. How they turned the 50% of good genes I have from you into the same as the other 50% of bad genes I got from the other family. Your family is the best. There's no way that a failed daughter is a product of your hands. Now I understand this so much better through the way you talk to my unborn brother. how, THIS TIME, you want to make it right, to raise him up well and proper, to amend this imperfection, me, that you made?

Now I know there's no way to find my own worthiness through the eyes of my parents, I will find it myself. You and dad try to destroy my confidence? I'm just not going to listen to it. and I see this act as being strong. Again here you may argue that I'm being over suspicious, misinterpreting your actions, that you're NOT trying to destroy my confidence. Of course you're not. You just did it subconsciously. I told you I improve through compliments and praises and you don't listen. I don't know how I can find the motivation to strive for the better through words like "I think you're crazy, you're a psycho, you're clumsy, you're lazy, you're dirty, you're messy, you're not acting like a girl, you're slow, you're stupid, you're not as smart as i am, I wouldn't have so much better than you do..." Maybe you find satisfactions, but I don't. I find the more I hope from you, your smiles, the more I disappoint. And I'm not going to hurt myself again by pleasing you. Be stern all you want. I'd be happy though, happy and confident. I've never killed, robbed, raped anyone, I've never done drug, I've never even sneaked out the house to do anything. I'm smart, I'm trusted by people, I might not be the next Einstein or Yo-yo Ma or Barack Obama but I WILL find a decent job and live a happy live.