College.

Today is a big day for the seniors of '09. It's stressful enough for me just to watch them being stressed. And the stress comes from the not knowing. I don't know where I'm going next year, next next year, next next next year. I don't know what I'd be doing next year, next next year, next next next year. I don't even know what I should be doing.

"The number of college applications reached a new peak"

This type of headline seem to appear every year. And next year it'd only go higher. I really try to be myself even with such intense competition. I try to do what I like and not do what I don't like. I try to tell myself I live for myself not for college--or the fleeting four years of my life. I don't know, however, if being myself is good enough to get me into a college--I have no dream college, only preferred ones. And something tells me that even if I had tried to be like Amber in House, I would have not been capable of doing so. I'm not a genius or a talented anything. I'm not good at anything. In fact, I suck at a lot of things. I'm a failure if I try to be someone better than who I am. I guess it only makes sense that I'd be hopeless if I try to be myself.

It scares me sometimes how Bahar and I VERY often think alike. And she is the exact opposite of what I want to be. Not that I don't want to be good at writing and stuff, I don't want to live for college. I don't want to do things only for the sake of getting into college. I don't want to spy on people and be nosy about other people's achievements just because I want to have a database of all this info for me to analyze. I don't want to go crazy about my academics though that seems to be the only thing that I'm good at, sadly.

I'm barely doing any homework recently and I don't know what the hell I'm doing in school.

The stress comes from the not knowing.