An important lesson learned after 8 years

I’m not ashamed to say that I consider myself a very nice, considerate, and tolerant person. I am capable of putting up with all kinds of nonsense and difficult persons and still feel no particular resentment. There is one thing, however, that really brought the worst out of me, and in this wonderful country called the United States, the people often force me to go out of my way, and especially my character, to be a bitch—annoying, whiny, obnoxious, aggressive—so that I can have even the slightest chance of getting what I rightfully deserve. It seems that, if I don’t squeak, I am certain to get no oil and am left there to just die. A lot of times, the things that I must fight for are rather “dumb”—they are stupid things that really should have never happened, but some Americans get so caught up in some sort of system that, eventually, the system triumphs over reason, logic, and common sense. And then shit happens. I guess, I really should thank America. It’s been almost eight years bonding with this country, and the biggest lesson I learned is if I don’t get what I want from certain people, then I must annoy the hell out of those people to the point that they have to deal with me. In the past, when I was still a good, obedient Chinese, I try not to make trouble to others and if the problem isn’t too serious, I would suck it up and digest it then poop it out of my system. But America has taught me how to be squeaky and not feel sorry about being so annoying to other fellow human beings at the same time, because here, if I don’t speak up for myself, I will never get what belongs to me. And even though this ugly side of America has had empowering effects in me, I wish for a society where I don’t have to complain to make the simplest things right—where people get paid US dollars to do real work using their brains—where people take responsibility and care for those anonymous others they’ve never met.

A note on badass archery

So I went to Proline today with Chris...and a nice black old man called PeeWee, yes, really, who was like Coach Derek helped and instructed me. During one round when we went to retrieve our arrows, I saw two of his arrows were together on top and three were REALLY close together on the bottom. And he casually commented: "Oh I purposefully shot off-aim because I don't wanna break my really expensive arrows."

....................

Changed address

I changed address a while ago because one of the few ppl with whom I share this blog's link actually talked to me about the things I wrote and judged me based on it...I guess the fact of sharing this blog with others is a form of my asking to be judged, but I still feel really uncomfortable. This is a place where I write what I think that might represent who I am for a long period of time or who I am for just a few minutes of anger or confusion. I don't share it with the public for the exact reason that I do not want to take responsibility for what i say here. I guess, I'm just being a hypocrite every time I share this address with other people. I know they will judge me, but I don't want them to say it in my face.

I've straightened out my priorities

I think I finally came to realize my priorities and limits. I learned from my mistakes and debacles and I have faith that this coming sophomore year of college will be a better year, if not the best.

This summer, I began to care

about 9/11, the war, the civilian deaths, the soldiers' deaths, veterans, loss, death penalty, healthcare system, flaws of capitalism, the poor, the sick...basically, OTHER people with whom I share nothing. Thanks, Michael Moore, and the movies and books I watch and read.

I want to create a world where

people don't hate those who they do not know.

Numb

I did nothing wrong.
But I was ready for a fight.
But there was no fight,
just words and tears.
And then a fight between them.
More tears. More.
And then, just numbness,
my heart was emptied out.

selfish wisdom from self

Talking to Naina about family and things helped me organize one aspect of my beliefs...and that is to live for oneself selfish FIRST. I feel parents often get the feeling of their kids owe them something because they have sacrificed so much--and that is absolutely true--the latter. The kids DO NOT owe parents anything. Adults must take even more serious responsibilities when they make decisions (like having children) and not assume that they can just push off those responsibilities onto their children just because they bore them. I feel that unless one has lived his or her life rather fully during his or her youthful years, and has enough EXTRA money to support an additional member of the family, one is in no position to have a child. But most people decide to have kids way before they are in a position to do so, and that's why to repent for their mistakes they must sacrifice, and they get this self-imposed notion that their kids somehow owe them their life-long service to them just because they had to sacrifice a lot to raise them, when in reality the birth of the kid was a result of their imprudence--they actually owe their kids, quite possibly, an unfulfilling life. This then turn into a malicious cycle that, after generations and generations, becomes established values that settled deep inside people's minds, and anything that runs against those values, such as disrespecting parents, disobeying parents, becomes unconscionable.

I think people should live for themselves first, others second. This is the best way for us to be responsible for ourselves and not nurture that sick feeling coming from "sacrifice." Moreover, any nice things people do on this principle of "me first" will be more genuine than altruism because that's "additional" and burdenless. The other could freely receive the favor without feeling obliged to pay back.

Just a quick thought after reading Searle's "Minds, Brains, and Programs"...

Link: "Minds, Brains, and Programs" by John Searle


I believe that human beings have the potential to create anything, but there are lines that we should never cross:

1) the cloning of actual human beings
2) making machines that are so biological and "intentional" that even Searle would call it a "thinking" thing.

I think these two things would create ethical and moral problems so huge that they would completely alter our society for the worse.

A formal afterthought is coming up...Searle's paper is absolutely fantastic not because I agree or disagree with it but because it brought up so many contradicting ideas in me that it led me to a whole new level of utter confusion as to what my beliefs are. Absolutely fantastic read especially watching Battlestar Galactica and Blade Runner.

change

I've changed. I'm starting to believe in karma and reincarnation with practically zero "scientific" evidence backing up the belief. It just feels right. Is it called faith? I'm starting to consider becoming a, part-time, vegetarian, because the idea of meat-eating is becoming increasingly grotesque and intolerable to me. I feel guilty whenever I eat meat; I feel particularly sick when I eat chicken and pork, remembering what Foer said in Eating Animals. I'm beginning to feel that China really has no right to claim Tibet as its own; and even if we accept that no matter what the situation was in the past, now Tibet is an indivisible part of China, China should not be promoting the kind of censoring and condescending attitude. Driving away the Dalai Lama and tens of thousands of Tibetans is both a significant economic loss and cultural loss.

If I look at myself today as myself in the past, I would think that the myself today is severely brainwashed by Western ideals. But things change when one is exposed to more, good or bad does not matter.

I gave my first to the phantom

OMG. FIRST BROADWAY SHOW EVER. and I'm so happy that I gave my first to Phantom. Like everyone else, I've always loved the music, I watched the movie version too many times, but this time at Broadway it's the first time that the drama really got to me, and I cried like crazy starting "Past the point of no return" all the way till the climax. I also felt the chills, whenever I am supposed to. This is a retarded comparison/statement but: even though I've watched many high school musicals and quite frankly enjoyed quite a few of them very much, Broadway is Broadway after all. It's just DIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFERENT.

luv it. luv it. luv it.

fashion

For some reason ethnic and ancient/past fashion/costumes really interest me. Current fashion, not so much so. They're certainly pretty and unique, but they don't make me want to study them in a scholarly way. On the other hand, ethnic and ancient/past costumes of literally ALL cultures and civilizations fascinate me. It's just a pity that I don't have the skill or talent to make these clothes myself.

overcome

Today at CPC I was sitting in for its volunteer program's group meeting, with about 20 high school kids split in groups planning for upcoming events. As they were talking, I saw parts of the old me in them--afraid to make phone calls to strangers, not knowing what to do, nervous...If anything, the one thing that has changed in me since college begins is that I've become more brave--Of course I'm still nervous about things like talking to, calling, interacting with strangers and professionals, but I am no longer deathly afraid of doing that. It was a phase, the phase when I thought there was no way that I could do it--but now I did it, many times over. Now I know it could be done, all that left to do is to perfect it.

{Nest.} Tumblr

To all who are dear to me enough that I shared the link of this blog with you:

Here is my tumblr that I intend to keep active...I'm planning to make it like my Bwog, posting about relatively random things that I want to share with other ppl. There is also some kind of schedule...so. Enjoy. What's better, follow. =D

Today, I got my paper back...

And my final draft's grade was lower than the first draft's....

[Blabber] New Post on my views on ROTC and human nature

Ugh...it's late...and I have tons of hw that was due more than ten hours ago...but...intellectual curiosity triumphs homework...so...here it is, the latest post on my public blog.

Now, homework time.

A Poem

Here is a beautiful poem I came across with through watching a Chinese drama...probably the most superficial way there is. At first people were saying that this was written by the sixth Dalai Lama...but hm...apparently that was a misunderstanding. It was written by a female poet. Regardless, it's very very beautiful. I'm no translator of poems, but in order to share this with all of you, I'd try my best. The names of the poem and author are direct translations from Chinese...= =

班扎古鲁白玛的沉默
Banzhagulubaima's Silence

作者：扎西拉姆·多多
Written by Zhaxilamu Duoduo


你见 或者不见我
Whether or not you come to see me,

我就在那里/不悲不喜
I'm there, neither sad nor happy

你念 或者不念我
Whether or not you think about me,

情就在那里/不来不去
my feelings are there, neither coming nor leaving

你爱 或者不爱我
Whether or not you love me,

爱就在那里/不增不减
my love is there, neither increasing nor decreasing

你跟 或者不跟我
Whether or not you follow me,

我的手就在你手里/不舍不弃
my hands are in your hands, never letting go

来我的怀里/
Come to my chest,

或者/让我住进你的心间
or, let me move into your heart

默然 相爱
Silently, love

寂静 欢喜
Quietly, rejoice

Bubble of Idealism

Like the many people of my age,
I have idealistic visions of my life and the grander world.
I believe that I would be happier in the future
working for something I genuinely enjoy
than working for something I do not enjoy
but is promised with great monetary reward.

I have faith in human rationality,
and I believe that there is a poignant and meaningful story
out of every seemingly retarded choices that people make everyday.

I think if I work hard enough,
I would make a difference.
And that's all it matters in the end.

But I am experiencing this ever-growing anxiety
that this bubble of idealism of mine
will gradually grow bigger and bigger and then...
burst.

It's a strange feeling...
Right now, I am more certain than ever about my idealistic visions
At the same time, though
there is something very unreal about idealism
just by definition.

I'm deeply afraid that one day,
maybe one, three, ten years later,
I'd wake up and realize these things that I now believe in are all untrue.
or maybe they are still true,
but I would have already been so worn out
by the cruelties of adulthood and reality that I no longer believes in these beautiful ideas.

Frightening thought.
To the me now,
it's like living without a soul.

Like death.

One day

This probably belongs to the few rare spontaneous things I've ever done in my life, but I did write an email at 3 in the morning to a person that I've been avoiding for a very long time. I am not an person of eventful history. There is only so much memory I can actually hold on to. I don't want the ending of this part of the memory stay the same until I die. I want to give it a good ending. Or at least attempt to do that. Maybe the person won't even see that email. But at least I tried.




Hi,

How are you? It’s been a while since we last talked, and the last time we did it ended sort of strange. Every time when I’m reminded of, for whatever reason, the four years of pure nothingness between us, who could have become really good friends, I think again and again of my stupidity. I have long forgotten the reasons for why I did what I did; all I was left with was the mystically determined will that I must continue doing what I had been doing, which was nothing. I used silence as a defensive mechanism for starting and ending something I did not quite understand, and that costly price was a friend. From time to time in the past four years, I’ve gone back reflecting on those meager bits and pieces of memory there were, and I realized uncountable mistakes I’d made and selfish things I’d done. Each time it put me to deeper shame. Deeper and deeper mortifying shame. I tried to lesson my own pain by running away from that shame. I didn’t realize the running away was a bigger mistake than any other mistake I had ever made. Now I see how petty these feelings were. How trivial the shame that stood between me and simply talking was. If I were given another chance, I wish I could have learned more about you, and been a better friend. I imagine one day, we would meet again on the streets of Fort Lee, maybe at the basketball court that you used to go, and I would say, Hey, haven’t seen you in a while. How’s life. But I know this is just a ridiculous and passively romantic imagination, so I’m writing you this letter to take the first step of filling that four years of gap.

I’m really sorry.

Xinyi

What should I quit...

Seeing this schedule...what's awaiting me is a funless semester of hell...

My To-Quit List:
1) QQ (popular messenger in China) --> only use it to leave urgent messages for my cousin)
2) 99% of dramas (I was going to say all...but I SHOULD continue to watch J-dramas to practice my Japanese...let's make it a maximum of 2)
3) Facebook, Douban, Renren, and other social networking sites --> limit to 20 min per day collectively
4) unnecessary shopping, eating out, movies, and other fun activities (My mom has officially said that she is sponsoring anymore trips of mine--but note the keyword "unnecessary")
5) to be continued...

This is a punishment for my idleness during the last semester. I must redeem myself...