黑白。

在某些方面我很极端。比如说，我认为在这世上人做的事情无非分两种：一种是对的，另一种是错的。你做/说得对，很好；做/说错了，接受批评并立即改正。判断对错的标准是逻辑。对就是对，错就是错，最大的问题就是谁能证明谁是对谁是错。总而言之，就是就这么简单。而如今的人，长得越大的人就越喜欢抛弃逻辑，就越无法接受批评，爱上了用像礼貌，“尊重”，甚至道德这样的借口将批评者的嘴给堵上。我并不是说人与人之间不该互相尊重。那是当然。双方面的礼貌的尊重是在社会上存活而必须的。但是我实在是受不了那些每当受到对于自己人格上的批评时就说对方粗鲁，不尊重/敬你，没礼貌等等而以此借口忽略对方所提的正当，在理的意见的人。如果我说的错了，请告诉我哪里错了，但是别跟我说什么“闭嘴！天天就知道狡辩还嘴，没大没小。” 我看还是您闭嘴回屋好好反省您自己吧。这种无理取闹的俗套只有我在无理可说时才会故意拿出来。。。虽然这种情况我还从来没遇见过。

Reading

As I said before, I'm an impulsive person.

I used to hate reading, especially English, especially novels. But for some strange reason I started reading quite frequently recently...in the beginning it's just maybe 20-30 min before sleep, but now I often put off school work for the morning next day and instead read for hours. English, Chinese, Japanese literature, whatever. And it's really fun and exciting. This is sort of an embarrassing announcement to make. I should not be realizing the joy of literature at the age of 18. But anyway, it's good that I realized it. The end justifies the means, yeh?

Hubris.

Every time before or after an argument that I have with other people I like to go to Jackie for her opinion. I rarely concede during a fight and tend to think absolutely that I am right and the other is wrong. I know that is ridiculous. I know I am not always right and in fact, often wrong. So I go to Jackie and more often than not she patiently gives her opinion: where I did wrong, where the other side was wrong. True or not, for some reason I always end up conceding to Jackie that I'm wrong, if not totally. So, if Jack you're reading this, I just want to say that you're a great friend because you truly listens to other people--this is very rare nowadays. Anyway, the reason this entry is titled hubris is that I do feel I might suffer from hubris if it weren't for someone like Jack to dump cold water on me once in a while.

I don't want to be Oedipus. T_T

So thanks, and, hi Jack :)

Change of Name

I'm an impulsive person.

Suddenly I realized that I really like the phrase Carpe Diem, especially its Chinese version: 活在当下。 Although I don't always following it, out of fear, shame, whatever, I do appreciate the message very much and I do keep it in mind, always. Another thing is, the former name "A Lonely Eagle's Lonely Nest" sounds way too depressing to me, now I think of it. Carpe Diem has a much more positive, hopeful tone and I hope it will make me more positive as well.

XX后

不知不觉间——不对，也许是我后知后觉——70后，80后，90后这样的字眼渗透了网络文化。一瞬间，千千万万人被盖上了XX后的帽子，有的人感到自豪，有的人感到不满。一瞬间，我已经不是一个十八岁的成年人；我只不过是众多脑残，非主流，不懂人间苦的小屁孩之一。我觉得这现象很可笑，却怎么也笑不出来。韩寒说，“作为我本人，非常讨厌以年代划分作者，每个优秀作者都是个性鲜明的人，哪能分类。”我是读了他的这句话，才真正喜欢上他的文字。不仅仅是作者，每个人都是个性鲜明的人，怎么能以年代给一群的人贴标签。哪个年龄段的人里没有脑残，非主流，不懂人间苦的？这世上什么人都有，有因为生活艰苦而异常早熟的小学生，也有到四十不惑还不明事非的“成年人”。将人以出生年代分类不但没有逻辑，也很不尊重人——是的，人。我是理解的，我经常也有想说“啊，如今的小学生如何如何”的冲动。我觉得我是成熟的，而比我年龄小的人是幼稚的，不开窍的。但我会控制这种话的不成熟，不理智的冲动。我的原则是只针对个人，不针对群体。我希望人与人在还未与对方接触前（通过面对面接触，文字，影像，或其他媒体），能假设对方是像你一样有逻辑，有思想的人。如果在接触后你发现这个人连傻子都不如，那是这个人的问题。但是如果在完全不知道这个人的情况下，就因为你看见这个人的个别同龄人做过的一些事，就认为这个人无药可救，那么真正无药可救的其实是你。

如果你津津有味地用着像“70后，80后，90后”这样充满偏见与无知的字眼的原因不是以偏概全，而仅仅是因为你属于某“XX后”群体的话，那你同样也是可悲的。其实，“XX后”给我带来的感觉不是偏见与无知，更确切地说是“傲慢与偏见”。我觉得每当一个人不加思索地将自己称为XX后时，他就像豆瓣上网友逗逗豆豆给我的回复里写到那般：“从批评别人中，我们获得的不仅仅是口舌的快感，还能强化在一个群体的身份认同感和归属感，强化作为一个个体的生存体验。而且，如果你站在道德的制高点上对别人指手划脚，确实能获得高高在上的优越感。”我对自己的期望是可以从自身的努力来找到归属感，优越感，成就感等等（当然，认同感需帮助）。我实在不明白，以年代将自己或他人盲目地归类对自己或是对他人究竟有什么用处。偶尔说说也罢了，但是总是看到听到就有点不正常。我希望这世界还没无聊到这种任何人都能被轻易贴标签的地步。我希望我是Leila，而不是XX后。

.

Death is easy, living is a lot of responsibilities. If I can, I really don't want to live. I'm not saying that I intend to commit suicide or anything; that is not the case at all. I just wish that I hadn't existed at all. Every time I think of the burdens lying ahead me--only because I was born as the result of some random coincidence--all I can feel is despair. For some reason, I know there is a reason that I must continue to "pleasure the body"--I just don't know what it is. I'm certainly not buying the religious bullshit though. I prefer things based on actual logic and reason.

I have learned my lesson.

This is really not something that I'm proud to blog about. But I need to blog about it otherwise I would never get over it.

Everything began with my noticing my 90 for the Lit MP1 grade is somehow lowered to an 89. Seriously, I'm not even kidding, if I were not a senior I would have never cared about this because 1) 89 and 90 numerically does not make any difference; 2) quarter grades won't show on transcript anyway and an one point really isn't going to affect my final grade that much--so if I were not a senior, I would have never cared to bother Mrs. Etra for some trivial stupid thing like this. But I did, because I'm a senior and I want to have a presentable midyear report, after all, 89 and 90 IS a matter of difference between an B+ and a A-. So I emailed her quite a while ago, she said she made a mistake and changed it. But I just found out recently that the grade change is not reflected in the "grading", which is what is going to be sent out as report cards and what is going to count for the GPA. So I emailed her a few days ago, asking her to fix it again. But, what happened is that, when I check it again, I realized that my MP2 (previously seen as B+ because I got an 88) became an A- as well. I considered the possibility that it was just her being nice but I mean, if there had been so many "mistakes", or whatever, it's totally possible that this is just another one. So I asked her to fix it again, and the main reason is that I don't want to be hypocritical--I've been bothering her all these times about a one point difference I don't want to all of a sudden be quiet when a "mistake" is favorable to me. But it turns out that it WAS her being nice and she wrote the longest email I've ever seen her write and ended that email with "Please trust me and stop giving me reminders." I'm not exaggerating when I say I'm kind of scarred for life. I can understand that I was being annoying (because it's senior year) and I show a general distrust of her ability, but all I have done was acting on my conscience and principles. Besides, I didn't know that she does subjective grading like Arod as well considering that my first marking period grade was strictly following the genesis grade. So this is another misunderstanding due to lack of information. Anyway, I can't believe my uprightness is actually seen as an annoyance, although I can see how the process of being so is indeed annoying. I try to put myself into her shoes and I still can't figure out why she would ever find it annoying so explicitly. If I were her and she were me, I would have just laughed it off and explained it without that last line. Actually, I wouldn't know. So never mind. My point is, I've learned my lesson:

I will never question the authority unless it is unfavorable to me to not do so.
When money suddenly falls down from the sky, take it, do not care about who it belongs or whether or not you deserve it.

An Excerpt

"对于五毛党，我有着不同的见解。首先，我认为我们要允许五毛党的存在，每个人都有权利雇佣别人为自己说话，每个被雇佣者都有权利在任何地方说话。你如果能够把小明打一顿，然后用从小明身上搜刮来的钱雇个人再把小明骂一顿，这也算是你的本事。任何一个政府，都有为他宣传的机构,这是情有可原的。但是五毛党完全是政府的败笔，我以前以为五毛党的出现是为了引导舆论，现在想来我错了，因为你不会因为看见一堆人围着在吃屎而挤进去吃一口。五毛党本是中高层麻痹讨好最高层的产物，但随着五毛党的横行，很多光辉正确的人士只要一开口，明明是免费的，结果全都变成了五毛党，这严重打击了他们的积极性。本来进酒店开个房间一夜情，完事了出门全世界都说你是鸡，这种打击不言而喻。你一旦设立了五毛党，除了国内外舆论影响不好以外，所有你原本的拥护者都有了五毛党的嫌疑。我为什么很少赞美政府，一来是因为我怕别人说我是五毛党，二来若批评无自由，则赞美无意义，三来我已经纳了税，人民纳的税被用于五毛党活动经费，也等于是我间接赞美了政府。" -韩寒

哈哈

Fight Club and more

So today I watched Alejandro's favorite movie Fight Club and had an extended conversation with him afterward, as usual. I must admit that he noticed a lot more substance in the movie than I did. For example, the big thing we talked about was Project Mayhem. AT first I viewed it as merely organized acts to release pressure accumulated in daily, boring life. But only after his kind reminder did I remember hearing something about the Project Mayhem's objective being "destroy the beautiful and restart the world."

Okay.

I paused for a moment because 1) I did not see it coming and almost believed for a second that this objective is kind of beautiful in itself; 2) something just sounds intrinsically wrong to me and I could not point it out at that very moment. And then I realized what it was. I've seen this before. I've seen lines like that before. Notably, in Death Note. Raito is this teenager who by accident gets this death notebook that by writing down names of people he can kill them any way he wants. Raito begins using it extensively when he decided to kill prisoners who he deems undeserving of life. He called himself Killer, and gradually more people began to worship him, making him feel like god. After a while, to evade prosecution, he began killing non-prisoners...and then entirely innocent people...

Yes, the Noah's Ark idea of the world being so dirty and ugly that it has to be rebuilt is not a novel one. But the problem is, who determines that? I think the only person that knows whether the entity "world" is ugly is God, and I doubt anyone in the mundane world has the omnipotence of "God." Of course, people are entitled to their opinions but it becomes dangerous when one (this can be individual or a collective group) begin to thinks that his opinion constitutes the ultimate truth and everyone else must follow his through whatever means possible. Seriously? How do you know your opinion is any more true or right than mine? Plus, how can anyone claim to be so knowledgeable that he knows what the entity "society/world" is like exactly in his limited lifespan? I bet some of those people who literally traveled everywhere around the world and met more kinds of people than any of us had cannot even make a definite claim about whether the world is good or bad. In fact, I believe that the more you see or experience, the more you'll realize the complexity and multiplicity of life and "society."

Anyway, going back to Alejandro's argument. He believes that life should be a simple, uncomplicated connection to nature, without the influence of technology, extraneous material, etc. Okay, that's fine. But what is not fine is that he believe EVERYONE's life should be like that and the world is ugly because everyone's life is NOT like that (and therefore world is better off being "rebooted"). A beautiful vision suddenly turns into a ridiculous presumption. What if my belief is that our lives have become so much better off with all the technology...for example, technology exempts many of us from spending the majority of time working for subsistence and liberates many of us to do things that we like. Without technology, we will all have to work our ass off to just produce merely enough to eat, let alone pondering about whether or not the world is beautiful. So, is Alej's or my vision the "right" one? Who can tell? God can. But does God exist? No. So no one can.

Just like what I said to Alej, the only person you can change is yourself. You can advise, convince, or even force other people to do certain things, but you can't CHANGE them. If there is a particular style that one is so fond of, then make conscious efforts to change yourself and live that lifestyle. Mr. Rogoff had a huge impact on me. He once asked the class, how can you be both pro-life and pro-choice? The answer is: refrain from abortion yourself, but accept others' decision to do whatever they want with their body.

I think if someone neglects the effort to change on his own part, then it is easy for that person to fall into the vicious cycle of useless whining about others while not doing anything constructive himself. I don't remember if I had mentioned this before, but my utopia is called a world of "mutual understanding." The mutual understanding includes respecting others' opinions and cultural differences while holding onto your own beliefs. Leke and I once had a debate over something that I don't even remember, but I remember I said that America proves that at least some people can live harmoniously while have differing opinions about almost everything. Everyone need NOT to think the same to live together harmoniously. You don't have to lose your own identity to live in peace with a group of people who all hold the same belief that's a direct opposite of yours. Understanding, sympathy, and compassion--these are all we need to live peaceably in this world. After all, we're all citizens of the Earth.

再谈韩寒。

有人说韩寒应该来美国这类的地方来开开眼。我曾经也这么想过。但是很显然他并不是对什么自由国家的理论不了解，正是因为他很清楚自由是什么，他在中国的存在才显得更有意义。时代造就人，有的人生不逢时，有的人就像韩寒一样被时代造就了。确实，韩寒的那一套要是放在美国的话基本就是COMMON SENSE， 但韩寒所竭力提倡的那些事，如果不在中国说，就没有意义了，而正是因为他在中国勇敢地说出了这些早就该有人说的话，他才会被这么多人追随。韩寒不需要去美国等地开眼，他就属于中国。

韩寒厦大演讲：所谓文化大国

第二次来到厦门，然后这里的空气很好，难怪大家都喜欢散步啊。嗯。。。刚才我听邓老师说了一些，然后关于爱国主义的一些东西，那我想到了两句话，我是之前看到的，但是别人说的，不是我说的。第一句话是---爱国主义是流氓最后的庇护所。第二句话是---真正的爱国主义就是要保护这个国家，让这个国家不受到任何的迫害。

呃。。。然后今天我也准备了一些说的内容，带了一个稿纸，这是为了约束我自己，不要大家受到什么迫害，我怕我满嘴跑火车，开始了啊：

各位领导，各位老师，各位同学大家好！大家知道中国为什么一直成不了一个文化大国吗？因为在我们大部分的讲话的时候，各位领导永远是放在第一位的，而各位领导都是没有文化的。他们是惧怕文化的是审查文化，但是呢，他们又能够控制文化，所以说这个国家怎么够成为文化大国呢？各位领导，你们说呢。

其实中国是有成为一个文化大国的潜力的。我给大家讲一个故事。我主编一本杂志，那么现在都没有出版。然后呢，宪法上有规定啊，每个公民都拥有出版的自由，但是呢我们的王法又有规定，就是领导有不让你出版的自由。

这个杂志呢很多地方在审查上遇到了很多问题，里面有一副漫画，漫画里面是一张图，主人公是个男的，他没有穿衣服。当然这就是不可以的嘛，因为相关的法律法规规定就不能露出那个阴部，在那个公开的出版物上。但这是我认可了，我觉得没有问题。所以特地把那个杂志特别大的一个LOGO啊，就放在它那个不合法的那个部位。然后突然之间就是出版社的审查人员就告诉我说，诶，这个不可以，你把这个人的中间这个地方挡住了，说你这是在暗喻"党中央"。

我的反应和大家一样啊，我被雷到了。我当时脑子里就在想，朋友，把你这个惊天地泣鬼神的想象力啊用在文艺创作上，然后而是用在文艺审查上那该有多好。通过这个故事我想告诉大家，其实大家都是可有想象力的啊，但是很多事情我们只能想，我们不能，不能去做，不能写，甚至有的场合不能说啊。呃。。。我们的限制太多了，这是一个限制级的国家。在限制级的国家里怎么可能产生非常丰富的文化呢。是吧。我已经算是一个自我限制很少的一个同志了，但是在我落笔的时候呢，我就会情不自禁地想，这个警察不能写，领导不能写，政策不能写，制度不能写，司法不能写，奴隶制不能写，西藏不能写，新疆不能写，集会不能写，游行不能写，黄色不能写，封杀不能写，艺术不能写，啊，高雅我也写不出。谢谢，我真的写不出高雅，我又不是余秋雨。

在网路上发表的一些文章啊，尺度已经算是比较大的。有很多写剧本的朋友，比如张爱玲这些写剧本的朋友，包括象类似宁财神啊写一些话剧，拍一些电影剧本和电视剧，他们非常的痛苦。在这样的一个文化环境下，就我一直在想，如何去成为一个文化大国，除非全世界就只剩下中国、朝鲜还有阿富汗。朝鲜是文化禁地，大家都知道。然后阿富汗是因为国内的局势还搞不清楚，他还顾不上，但纵然这样，他们都已经有作家写出了《追风筝的人》。当然比较遗憾的是这也不是在阿富汗出版的，但我想，一旦阿富汗搞清楚了，也不是没有可能去超过中国。

呃。。。我们所谓的在国际交流上不能赞扬一些四大名著和孔孟之道，说穿了，这样就像相亲的时候女方问你有没有钱，你说你祖宗十八辈上有钱。这是没用的。这个悲剧的造成，我觉得，和大家没有任何的关系。虽然说，通往朝鲜的道路，是由每一个沉默的人铺就的。但是，这一方面，我们当然要比朝鲜强很多啊。因为大家也都知道朝鲜是什么样子的。另外一方面呢，我相信在座的大家，其实很多人，大家并不沉默啊，大家只是被和谐了。

呃。。。在中国的这个扫黄史上，我们很多同学，我想大家应该都知道绿爸啊。大家都知道。他们会告诉你，我们这么做是为了保护青少年，是为了射会的稳定，文化是自| 油的。所以他们有权平蔽任何危害青少年，破坏射会稳定的资讯和文化。但是如果你认同呢，迟早有一天你会发现，你在空诉你的遭遇的时候，他们会将你平蔽，最名是破坏射会稳定。到了最后，凡是不利于党志阶层的，不利于他们获得利义的言论，都是破坏射会的稳定，都是危害青少年。如果我们当时容忍了绿八花季护航的话，@#$%^&，到那个时候就不光是文化的东西了，所以同学们，我们不能让这一片的XX，否则在以后，在若干年以后，在你的孙子，通过卫星接收到的电子课本的历史书上，我们都会是笑料。

所以。。。谢谢大家。


本文由本人完全根据视频中的声音资料整理，未删任何东西，有些地方可能猜测有误。
为防止该文不能发出或其他一些事故，对某些关键字词进行了火星化，如有阅读困难，十分抱歉。
如果对在下信任的话，这里还有一份出去语音助词以及个人觉得不影响表达后整理出来的整理版：
http://www.douban.com/note/58956774/
视频来源：
http://v.youku.com/v_show/id_XMTQ5NTQ1OTU2.html（第一部分，包括本文除最后两段外的内容）
http://v.youku.com/v_show/id_XMTQ5NTQ4MTI4.html（第二部分，本文最后两段以及韩寒同易中天的谈话）

第二次来到厦门，然后这里的空气很好，难怪大家都喜欢散步啊。呃……（笑、掌声）嗯，刚才我听邓老师说了一些然后关于一些爱国主义的一些东西，那我想到了两句话，我是之前看到的，那是别人写的不是我说的：第一句话是“爱国主义是流氓最后的庇护所”；第二句话是“真正的爱国主义就是要保护这个国家，让这个国家不受到任何的廹嗐”。（掌声）
呃……然后今天我为准备了一些说的内容，带了一个稿纸，是为了约束我自己。（笑）不要大家受到什么廹嗐，我怕我满嘴跑火车。好，开始了啊。
各位領導、（大笑）各位老师、各位同学，大家好！大家知道中国为什么一直成为不了一个文化大国吗？因为在我们大部分的讲话的时候，“各位領導”永远是放在第一位的，而“各位領導”都是没有文化的。（大笑、掌声）不光是这样，他们还是惧怕文化的、是讅査文化，但是呢，他们又能够控製文化，所以说这个国家怎么能够成为文化大国呢？各位領導你们说呢？（笑、掌声）
呃，其实中国是有成为一个文化大国的潜力的。我给大家讲个故事：我主编一本杂志，到现在都没有出版。然后呢，宪法上有规定啊，每个肱泯都拥有出版的洎鮋。但是呢我们的王法又有规定，就是領導有不让你出版的洎鮋。（笑）这个杂志呢很多地方在讅査上遇到了一些问题。呃，里面有一副漫画，漫画是一张图，主人公是个男的，他没有穿衣服。当然这是不可以的，因为相关的法律法规规定就不能露出那个阴部在那个公开的出版物上。那这个我认可，我觉得……所以我特地把那个杂志特别大的一个LOGO啊就挡在它那个不合法的那个部位。（笑）然后突然之间这间出版社的讅査人员就告诉我说：呃，这个不可以，你把这个人的中间这个地方啊挡住了，说你这是在暗寓“黨祌央”。（大笑、掌声）嗯，我反应和大家一样啊——我被雷到了。（大笑）我当时脑子里就在想，朋友，我说把你这个惊天地泣鬼神的想象力啊用在文艺创作上，而不是用在文艺讅査上那该有多好？通过这个故事我想告诉大家，其实大家都是很有想象力的，但是很多事情我们只能想，我们不能，不能做、不能写，甚至很多场合不能说啊。
呃……我们的硍製太多了，成为了一个硍製级的国家，（窃笑）在硍製级的国家里怎么可能产生非常丰富的文化？我已经算是一个硍製，自我硍製很少的一个哃誌了，但是在我落笔的时候呢，我又会情不自禁地想这个：警詧不能写、領導不能写、政筴不能写、製渡不能写、司法不能写、革掵史不能写、徆鑶不能写、噺疆不能写、集薈不能写、蝣荇不能写、鱑脃不能写、謀殺不能写、艺术不能写……
啊！高雅我也写不出。（笑）那么，我还会写的，但是我真的写不出高雅，我又不是余秋雨。（笑、掌声）
在网络上发表的一些文章啊，这个尺度已经算是非常大的。有很多写剧本的朋友，比如张爱玲这些写剧本的朋友，包括像这次宁财神啊写一些话剧，还有电影剧、电视剧，他们非常的痛苦，在这样的一个文化环境下。我就，我一直在想，如果你成为一个文化大国，除非全世界都只剩下中国、嘲尠和阿富汗。（笑）呃，嘲尠是文化禁地，大家都知道，然后阿富汗呢是因为国内的局势实在搞不清楚他还顾不上的话。但纵然这样，他们都已经有作家写出了《The Kite Runner》（即《追风筝的孩子》，有可能是这一本，本人目前也只找到这一本的英文名发音同韩寒当时演讲里的发音比较接近）。当然比较遗憾的是这也不是在阿富汗出版的。我想，一旦阿富汗搞清楚了，也不是没有可能去超过英国。
呃……我们所谓的在国际交流上啊不能赞扬一些斯汏啉之路和孔孟之道是不是？这样就像相亲的时候女方问你有没有钱，你说你祖宗十八辈很有钱，（笑）这是没用的。这个悲剧的造成啊，我觉得，这个和大家没有任何的关系。虽然说，通往嘲尠的道路是由每一个沉默的人铺就的。但是，某一方面当然要比嘲尠强很多啊，因为大家也都知道嘲尠是什么样子的。另外一方面呢，我相信在座的大家，其实很多人，大家并不沉默啊，大家只是被龢諧了。（笑）
呃……在中国的这个掃鱑史上，呃我们很多同学，我想大家应该都知道因为毕竟是大学生，呃像大家都知道綠垻啊。他们会告诉你，他们这么做是为了保护青少年、是为了社澮的穩啶，文化是洎鮋的。所以他们有权幈蔽任何危害青少年、破坏社澮穩啶的资讯和文化。但是如果你认同呢，迟早有一天你会发现，你在控诉你的遭遇的时候，他们会将你幈蔽，罪名是破坏社澮穩啶……到了最后，凡是不利于統治阶层的、不利他们获得利益的言论，都是破坏社澮的穩啶、都是危害青少年。如果我们当时容忍了綠垻花季护航的话，然后我们就会看到綠垻花甲护航，到那个时候就不光是文化的东西了。所以同学们，我们不能让这一天的到来。否则在以后、在若干年以后，在你的孙子的，通过卫星接收到的电子课本的历史书上，我们都会是笑料。
所以……谢谢大家！（掌声）