Upset.

Right now I'm very upset, not with anyone else but with myself. I think I'm losing self-confidence, and my over-sensitiveness isn't helping.

The initial incident is actually really petty and ridiculous. Before I left the newspaper room this afternoon, Ben Gong approached me with a copy of the Fortleeder, pointed at his name in the "Editors' Corner" and said: "Look, I'm THE man." At first I didn't even pay attention to him. About half a minute later I realized that I actually don't know what his position is in newspaper. I checked the newspaper and it is assistant-editor-in-chief, along with Bahar. Well, obviously Mr. Lawlor intended to make him the next editor-in-chief. But suddenly I became very upset because last year I applied for this position. I felt and still feel what I have done for past two years are practically assistant-editor-in-chief works. This might sound hypocritical but I really don't look upon titles with that much attachment but I do want my work to be recognized. I worked like a slave ever since I joined newspaper sophomore year. And I don't just do layout. I write, I think, I organize. Bahar has to ASK ME what to do on the days that she actually shows up. Ben Gong joined newspaper only a few months before last summer. He only wrote one, at most two, articles. I do believe he had a couple "impressive" conversation with Mr. Lawlor because apparently he is this political savvy. But other than the aforementioned, he did NOTHING else. And he would not do anything else if he were not given a position, knowing that he would almost definitely be promoted next year--just like Bahar, who is practically nonexistent during the most recent production. I doubt that she even likes newspaper. She loves a good college resume though.

Anyway, so from here, I can't help but think about why I was not "promoted." What did Bahar and Ben do to make themselves more deserving than me. What didn't I do? What did I do wrong? Was I obnoxious? Maybe to Chris, maybe to John Lee. But these are obnoxious people themselves. Was I not mature enough to take this job? Was I simply not fitting to be and do something that I practically have been doing since sophomore year? And then all I can think of is that I am not a person as worldly as other people are. I admit that I don't have as strong of an interest in current affairs as other people do. I am not as sociable as other people are. I don't want to be like this either. I am really trying HARD to overcome these weaknesses. And Ben's, Chris's constant mocking and condescending attitude are not helping at all.

I am the type of person that thrives under compliments but if you call me an psycho enough times I would actually believe that I am a psycho. I hate it when people look down on me and think that I'm just an idiotic bookworm who knows nothing beyond the books. But unfortunately I know that this is a large part of me. I am really ashamed about it and I try so hard to get out of my little cage and crawl a bit faster each time. But I just can't take certain judgments from other people anymore because they are breaking me apart.