mata.

We had another fight today. What my dad said was the same stupid stuff as always I'm not even going to bother explaining. Explaining the flaws of his character and the idiocy of his many "logics" would take years.

What's more important was that I told my mom she hasn't been supportive of me. Just an hour ago I told her that I have an opportunity to tutor some kid for a paid, but I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to balance academics, internship, and work with such packed schedule. She said it's up for me to decide and then I said I'm not sure that's why I'm asking your advice. And she said impatiently and almost nonchalantly why not quit that stupid Chinatown job of yours.

Back to the dinner I told her I agreed to the tutoring job. And then I muttered that I'm doing this knowing that I have a packed schedule mostly because dad and she constantly criticized me for doing only unpaid work. They said that's because I kept telling them that I want to travel here and yet I do no real work to earn money. I said that's not the point and does not give them the right to call what I determined to work for "stupid Chinatown job" of mine. I said they've been subconsciously hurting me on a regular basis with those tiny remarks of my being stupid (because apparently unlike other kids of their friends who always have paid jobs and internships I never have any). I was not even going to talk to them about how just like you can't job the value of a college by its tuition, you can't judge the value of internship by how much it pays. I knew my dad would always come up with some other ridiculous excuses that make no sense.

Anyway, it went on and on and they picked up something we fought about a couple of days ago (how they are not rich and the "poor" people in Chinatown are) and dad got emotional and left for bathroom. I told my mom how every time I smile at her (literally and figuratively), she would never smile back. She said she's so overwhelmed with work, kids, money, and everything how do I expect her to ever smile?

That was the saddest thing I heard from her so far. I got up and said don't you see a problem? You have three kids (and two cars and a house) and yet you can't smile. That means there must have been something wrong with what you've done and believed all these years. I'm overwhelmed by a lot of things too but at least I can smile.

Since Chris said he likes how I end posts with no definitive conclusion, I would prefer to do something similar. But I really don't want to at this point. I could be wrong. I might be just too idealistic now and would completely understand my mom in the future when I'm a mom. But I would rather live an impoverished life knowing that I'm poor but I'm doing something for the good of people and my own pleasure--so that I can smile, then be doing a meaningless job (I don't think my mom takes pride in that she's helping people with her research, but she didn't have a choice) to earn a decent living and yet feverishly believe that I am impoverished--so that I lose the ability to smile. I'm almost certain--If she is doing something that she really loved and she actually have a dream to pursue, she wouldn't feel this way. Unlike her, and thanks to her, I have more options in my life and I'm going to value that precious opportunity--because I love and respect my mother--, take advantage of those options so that regardless of my financial situation, I would be content with my life.