This is a time when all kinds of thoughts flood my mind. Kind of like the Angelo y Diablo thing we did for Señora Metcalfe’s test this morning. The Angelo tells me that these thoughts are way too negative and filthy, and the Diablo tells me that there is nothing wrong with thinking this way--because what I think is true. I can't take it anymore. I need to throw them out. I need to be more positive, more tolerant. Otherwise, feel like I would be too unworthy for any college to accept me.
I told my mom that I am prepared mentally for my application to Barnard. Why am I expressing doubt? Because Barnard is definitely not a reach for me; it’s not my “dream” school—U Chicago and Georgetown are. I have to admit that it was probably somewhat of a mistake applying Barnard early; I should have just applied regular. But I am prepared. I’m not regretting it. I tried really hard to convince myself that this is not that bad. And I am convinced. I am prepared.
But this is not the problem. The problem is that I am having these dark and twisted thoughts originated from what Alejandro calls "competitive instinct." I realized that deep down part of me does not want dothers to get into my “dream schools” just because, in case I get into Barnard, I will not be able to do so myself. When I hear people getting into certain prestigious school, I feel bad; when I hear people getting rejected or deferred by certain prestigious school, I get this perverted feeling of joy. When I congratulated others, I was being a 100% hypocrite. I was not happy for them. I was secretly upset.
I am horrible. And I feel inferior. I feel Sick.
It's true that one's greatest enemy is oneself. There is a great battle going on right now.
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