Upset.

Right now I'm very upset, not with anyone else but with myself. I think I'm losing self-confidence, and my over-sensitiveness isn't helping.

The initial incident is actually really petty and ridiculous. Before I left the newspaper room this afternoon, Ben Gong approached me with a copy of the Fortleeder, pointed at his name in the "Editors' Corner" and said: "Look, I'm THE man." At first I didn't even pay attention to him. About half a minute later I realized that I actually don't know what his position is in newspaper. I checked the newspaper and it is assistant-editor-in-chief, along with Bahar. Well, obviously Mr. Lawlor intended to make him the next editor-in-chief. But suddenly I became very upset because last year I applied for this position. I felt and still feel what I have done for past two years are practically assistant-editor-in-chief works. This might sound hypocritical but I really don't look upon titles with that much attachment but I do want my work to be recognized. I worked like a slave ever since I joined newspaper sophomore year. And I don't just do layout. I write, I think, I organize. Bahar has to ASK ME what to do on the days that she actually shows up. Ben Gong joined newspaper only a few months before last summer. He only wrote one, at most two, articles. I do believe he had a couple "impressive" conversation with Mr. Lawlor because apparently he is this political savvy. But other than the aforementioned, he did NOTHING else. And he would not do anything else if he were not given a position, knowing that he would almost definitely be promoted next year--just like Bahar, who is practically nonexistent during the most recent production. I doubt that she even likes newspaper. She loves a good college resume though.

Anyway, so from here, I can't help but think about why I was not "promoted." What did Bahar and Ben do to make themselves more deserving than me. What didn't I do? What did I do wrong? Was I obnoxious? Maybe to Chris, maybe to John Lee. But these are obnoxious people themselves. Was I not mature enough to take this job? Was I simply not fitting to be and do something that I practically have been doing since sophomore year? And then all I can think of is that I am not a person as worldly as other people are. I admit that I don't have as strong of an interest in current affairs as other people do. I am not as sociable as other people are. I don't want to be like this either. I am really trying HARD to overcome these weaknesses. And Ben's, Chris's constant mocking and condescending attitude are not helping at all.

I am the type of person that thrives under compliments but if you call me an psycho enough times I would actually believe that I am a psycho. I hate it when people look down on me and think that I'm just an idiotic bookworm who knows nothing beyond the books. But unfortunately I know that this is a large part of me. I am really ashamed about it and I try so hard to get out of my little cage and crawl a bit faster each time. But I just can't take certain judgments from other people anymore because they are breaking me apart.

Milton.

Milton sits behind me in AP Spanish. We've never been close friends, if not friends at all. The only class I had with him other than AP Spanish was probably Spanish II honors or something during freshmen year. At that time I didn't know him that well but I thought he was relatively normal. But apparently he became a flat-out idiot.

For some strange reason, every time Vanessa Bautista, certainly not the sharpest crayon in the box, does something stupid--however small it is (sometimes what she did is not even important or funny or stupid at all), Milton would make fun of her or make these weird noises that are supposed to mock her or something. CONSTANTLY. There would be constantly these horrible comments and he would just randomly shout out these stupid things here and there to make fun of Vanessa Bautista. Well I know VAnessa Bautista says and does a lot of retarded things but Milton's actions are just even more retarded. I mean, first of all, it's like he's some kind of genius. In fact, he's retarded. Secondly, people make fun of each other all the time, but why would you do this CONSTANTLY? And the remarks he make about Vanessa Bautista are not even smart or witty or ANYTHING AT ALL. They are just plain retarded, brainless comments.

Well one would argue that this is none of my business. But it is TOTALLY my business. Try to imagine a retarded person shouting out random stupid things while thinking that he is somehow less retarded than the person that he is making fun of. What's worse:the person sits RIGHT behind you! Don't get me wrong, I don't mean retarded or smart as in not getting straight As or possessing the knowledge to life, universe, or everything, respectively. What I mean by "retarded" is that he is not a "thinking" person. Things obviously don't go through his brain, if there is any, before he shoots them out of his ridiculous mouth. And the things he say are just incredibly thoughtless. And he never seem to want to take any kind of responsibility. Any. I mean, WHY WOULD YOU BEHAVE LIKE THIS? Have some dignity, seriously.

Plus, when I finally had had enough, I turned around and said: "you are not any smarter than she is." Milton gave me this "oh oh oh I'm so afraid" face. WHAT? Who still does this nowadays? Is he still living in his elementary school/middle school years? Seriously.

Bad turn Good

During the break of my SHP class this Saturday, i went up to the eleventh floor to get some skittles because I NEEDED the sugar. I inserted a dollar into the vending machine and then the steel ring thing starts turning. But it stopped. The pack of skittles was stuck. Obviously I was thinking "OH no this is NOT happening to me." But all of a sudden, the thing started turning again! So my skittle successfully fell down. BUT this is NOT where the story ends. The steel ring thing continued to move, and then one of the 3 musketeers that were stacked behind the Skittles fell down too!!! So I got two packs of candy/chocolate with just a dollar!!! MWAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAH!

Got sauced by registration rules.

Today I suddenly realized that I can vote after Ben asked me whether I'm going to vote in the upcoming gubernatorial election. I got so excited that I printed out articles about Corzine and Christie and all so that I can be somewhat "informed" voter. But then, I found out that I have to register 21 days before an election to be eligible to vote. FML

John Lee Incident.

I have to admit that in newspaper I'm quite bossy and controlling; that's probably why I can't work with John Lee, ever--because he is so much like how I am.

Yesterday he asked me to do the layout for his page, I accepted. Well, because, frankly speaking, his aesthetic sense in layout did not impressed me much last year. I rather do it myself. Today we ran into a problem with a long comic (a vertical column strip). The comic was very detailed and look very impressive so I don't want to risk the quality by over stretching it although it would look much nicer if it's really big (maybe). I admit that I'm not too sure with how much exactly can a picture be stretched so I try to go with the comic's dimension as displayed in photoshop (6in) and try not to stretch it beyond 6 in long. John Lee, on the other hand, seems to have some unusual faith in the resolution of this particular jpeg image and believed that we can stretch it to fit almost the entire length of the tabloid paper without losing quality. I told him that I'm not going to do it because the artist spent A LOT of time on this I don't want to ruin it. His response was:
"hmm...ok. Can I change it then [after I do my layout]? I think I'm going to change it."

At this point I exploded and yelled at him. The underlying text is obviously "ok do whatever you want but I'm going to change it based on my opinion at the end anyway."

How am I supposed to continue working on this particular page if the editor implies that he's going to undermine my work anyway at the end? I was giving my "professional" opinion because HE ASKED me to do his page. I assumed that he gave me trust--and I was pretty surprised. But obviously he did not give me ANY trust. All he showed was skepticism and distrust. I can see how I'm trying to have things my way too, aka being a control freak, but I just don't understand how he can be so obnoxious like this.

Finally. Now I'm going to put this behind me.

Sports Photography. Ugh.

Sports photography...........is hard. This is what I've learned tonight.



Well, everything takes practice. I guess.



This is probably the best volleyball pic I took but the thing is that the girl belongs to the other team. :( fml

chatty Chinese

Prior to today I had always thought that Asian girls are usually shy, timid, and even if they are the loquacious type they won't be obnoxiously loquacious. But today this really chatty, in a negative way, Chinese girl who sat next to me in chorus and tortured my ears with her squeaky high register that was completely intolerable talked to me in the cafeteria, and the first thing she said was: "are you Chinese?...(blah blah blah blah blah...she's very talkative)" And I said yes. "OH I wasn't sure but I was like you must be Chinese...(blah blah blah blah)." I smiled awkwardly. "Are you a senior? 12th grade?"

Yeah.

"What school are you applying to?" She actually said it in Chinese.

WTF? Why do you care? Do I even know you? =_= I told her Barnard...but it just got really awkward so I left as fast as I could once I got my sandwich.